This blog.
Indeed, a lot of memories are written down.
About her.
This chapter of her, has closed.
A chapter, worth of 183 posts.
2 other posts, for a useless person, whom I shouldn't have written for.
But well.
http://love-chapter.blogspot.com would be my new address.
New chapter, new life. =)
Thanks for all, who have been supporting this blog, some, reading post by post.
Really grateful to you guys. Sunday, November 05, 2006 Today.
Well.
Went to your house etc.
And yes, I was shocked.

My present may not cost more than his.
My present may not look nicer than his.
But it sure has took me long time.
I don't know whether have you kept it or what.
But well, it would be nice of you to keep it displayed somewhere very visible in your room.

Look, at that point of time, I really wanted to confessed to you.
But I know, it would never be possible.
My plan, was to see which class we are admitted, before asking you.
And now, the plan moves the same.

I would say, I need you in my life.
I may be lame.
I may be not attractive.
But I am confident, I can be much more loving than others.

The whole night.
I was depressed.
Because,
I knew I would never go the same class as you.
I knew that you would never ever be with me.

6 November. I hope it'll turn out well. Saturday, October 28, 2006 It was then the day my mood swings again.
I felt like letting everything out.
I did.
To you.
I wondered if I had shocked you.

If I don't go to the same class as you.
Well, I guess I'll be appealing.
I just want to go to the same class as you.
I don't know what to do.
Your every small little thing captures my attention.
Your smile, your everything.

Do I stand another chance?
Or is it the past?
If it is, I'm so sorry about the past.

I have been trying my best, to build a strong, firm relationship, between us.
But why, sometimes I feel, you find me frustrating.
And every negative point that I can think of.
I don't know.
Am I a nuisance to you?
I hope you would tell me how you feel towards me.

Would we be together? In the near future.
It would be a gift from heaven if we are together.
I still have doubts to that topic still.
Sigh.

I hoped I lived in your world.

Would you bother about my care and concern? Tuesday, October 03, 2006 Yes, it's been long since I blogged.
Well, our Bowen NCC has won something.
5th in Route C for points.
4th in Central for points and timing.
3rd in Central for points, tied with Peirce.
1st in Central for Route C.
11th for timing in Route C.

I wondered if it was you, who has made us win.
All these days, months, years.
I have never given up hope on you.
I hope that some day, I will win your heart.
I'll try my utmost best.
With your encouragement, I can do things better.
That's how I feel.

Maybe after this year, we won't see each other again.
Well, it all depends on how much I get and you get.

It was the day when we had to hand in the option form.
I was stunned, you too, were almost frustrated about your options.
I waited and waited, just to wait for your option.
One mistake, poof, we are separated.
I cannot leave you.
Because you are the one who gave my life colours.
And as a reminder to myself, you are the success to my achievements.

Maybe some of you might think I'm silly.
I can probably, don't care about my studies, whichever class I go.
I just want to go the same class as you, study the same subjects as you.
And start everything all over again, shall we?

These few days were great. Many thanks to you, these few days I feel much lighter.
I love you. =) Monday, September 25, 2006 I really am too confused.
Sometimes I really wonder if it was me.
But my intuition tells me otherwise.
I may not be perfect,
but I am willing to change for you.

Sometimes I just feel like holding your hand and never letting it go.

On that day, you were with us, but your heart was with him.

Jealousy, is what is inside me.
this despicable quality makes me evil.
Even at times, I want to split the both of you.
At that point of time, I am sad.
But soon after, I am elated.
Elated because you have such a nice guy to love you,
care for you,
and many more qualities.
Unlike me.
You just don't like me.
You just don't.
Everytime you wanted me to help you to do something, I try my best to do it.

At times I felt like giving up,
I think of you.
I want to persevere,
to achieve,
to make you proud,
that I can do it too.

I want to prove to you, I can make you feel happy too.

I hereby promise to myself, I will try my best to be happy at all times.
This promise, is just for you.
I shall not be sad in front of everybody.
I don't want everyone to pity me and then, slowly fade in their memories.
I SHALL NOT.
I want to be happy, so that I can have a slight chance of you liking me.
But, I doubt that will ever happen. Thursday, August 31, 2006 It's been a long hiatus since I have last blogged.
Many things happened.
Well, I guess we talked more.
As I said, I rather have you in my later part of my life.
Because I know if we were to be together now, I will still lose you.
I rather wait than lose you.
I can't lose you.
In the past, there was a girl whom I liked before.
After reflecting, she was only someone for me to fill up the empty space in my heart.
Sometimes I really is in a higgledy-piggledy.

I really don't know how to express my feelings for you.
I have expressed some of it into something I gave you.
You should approximately have about 9 different kinds of it.
I really hoped you have loved it.
I even hope you ask for more.

At times, I'm jealous at my friend.
I know, he deserves more than I do.
He deserves more comment.
He is such a great great friend.
Whereas, I'm only a great friend.
Most times, when I thought of this, I tend to think that you love him.
I always take it that he really deserves that comment than I do.

I just want you to know that, I really do love you. Monday, August 14, 2006 Every single day, I see you with laughter.
It is just so nice.
I give you some stuff almost every single day.
Just to make you happy.
Just to make your life better.
----------------------------------------
I'm sorry.
I am sorry because I made you angry.
I am sorry because I made you disappointed.
I am sorry because I love you.
I made you disappointed so many times.
So many times that you cannot believe me anymore.
I lied to you many times till you couldn't take it.
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I felt like giving everything up.
I want to rot.
I feel like giving up everything.
All I could think everyday is you.
You, your laughter and your graceful smile. Thursday, May 11, 2006 I know I can't do anything to recover the past.
I suck.
I'm such a big failure.
And I know, I am a huge hypocrite too.
No one can deny.
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You were silent,
I was frustrated.
You were vulnerable to anguish,
I hurt you fathomlessly.
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Black is the absence of light,
Light indicates the presence of hope.
I, the absense in your eyes,
You, the presence of my paradise. Saturday, April 29, 2006 I've got everything screwed up.
I can't get the courage to talked to you.
I made my friend's character died in a game.
I wanted to make friends with a girl, just friends, and I was scolded by her.
What in the world is happening.
I've lost you.
I have no friends.
I'm lost.
Please, anyone, help me get on track.
I just need someone.
I've got scolded from my parents just because I didn't clean up my room.
Why.
Why me.
This world, can it end now?
All I need is some attention and some care.
That's all.
Can't anyone help me?
Can someone in this world just read this post?
Just this post.

Friends.
Is what we can't be?
I can't talk to you.
You won't talk to me.
Can this world tumble down.
Right now.
I haven't been as depressed as today.

Just leave me to rot.
Everyone, just leave me to die.

I am such a failure.
A big failure.
I can't success in anything.
Soccer, guitar, music, friendship and studies.
I will never success.
I am useless. Wednesday, April 19, 2006 The new one goes, the old one returns.
I just couldn't let you go.
There, was one of my best friend, who was also so obsessed with you.
I suddenly felt so depressed.
So very depressed.
----------------------------------------
Reminisce for you wakes again,
as delusion tells me to stop.
Trammel of him and you is me,
my departure is the berceuse to you.
----------------------------------------
When are you going to visit this place?
This place full of darkness.
Every lesson, I look at you.
Full of smiles.

You know, I really want to SMS you.
But I couldn't.
I was afraid you would ignore me again.
I really wanted you to know, that I really love you. Saturday, April 01, 2006 Valentines' Day was a total qualm.
Though I was happy to you at first,
the elation stopped.
Your guy came vaingloriously.
He talked to you awhile.
I liked the way you look at me.
After talking his crap, you walked away, together with him.
Does anyone knows how FREAKING DEPRESSED I AM?
He just simply took you away.
I couldn't see you anymore.
Abruptly, my world, came crashing down, with darkness.
WHY?!
Why was there always someone to stand before me when I like a girl.
What's more, he took you away.
When will my depression come to an end?
I just hope a brand new life full of euphoria, with you in my life. Tuesday, February 14, 2006 You talked to your favourite guy.
Where was I?
In NCC.
What could I do but to stand there and stare where were you going?
I just wished I had the chance to get love from you.
Valentine's Day is coming.
Will something happen?
I know, I am the obstacle between the both of you.
But can't you at least give praises?
I'm a so desperate guy now.
You got all you have.
Have you thought of others?
Nothing is forever.
Will you and I ever compromise?
I know, his studies are better than mine.
His so-called humourous jokes are funny.
What about mine?
Has anyone ever notice my good points?
Never.
Will someone explore into me? Friday, February 10, 2006 Maybe, I have gotten over you.
I don't even know myself.
I'm having feelings for another.
----------------------------------------
So, these poems are dedicated to you.
Comments please.
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A touch of jealousy,
fused with a pinch of love.
The trust slowly fades away,
was that a goodbye?
----------------------------------------
Silence from your mouth,
depressed in my heart.
Movement of your fingers,
it counts my elation. Wednesday, February 08, 2006 Since no one visits this blog, especially you.
I will hereby announce that I will not post anymore.
Perharps less often.
Should there be a continuation, I will keep posting.
Thank you, to the people who has visited my blog.
Although you have only visited my blog once or twice, I would still say thank you to you because all these while, you have given me power, almost everything, to go on with my life.
Last but not least, I love you. Monday, November 07, 2005 Homework.
Will be done tomorrow.
I really want to finish it by tomorrow.
However, there will be some time of games in the morning.
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Really, I still cannot forget you.
Every night I think of you.
Never stopping.
But what was the reason behind it?

I miss you.
And I love you.
I would love just another SMS.
Just one more.
And I'm satisfied.
Almost satisfied.

There are many wishes unfulfilled.
And all those wishes, cannot be completed without you.
Because it needs you.
The wishes needs you.
I need you.
They are just the need to help the efficiency of my world.

Please, help me.
My dear love. Saturday, November 05, 2005 All I have to do is dream.
Dreaming about you is all I have done so far since the start of the holidays.
Dream, dream, dream.
----------------------------------------------------
What do I have to do to make you love me?
Although it has been one week, I still cannot forget your smile.
Sometimes, I really feel like breaking down.
Or rather giving up everything.
I just feel so lethargic.

I just don't know what to do to make you happier.
To make you feel more loved.
I just cannot do it.
Why?
Why am I stupid?

I just cannot do anything right.
Without you, I just don't feel like fighting at all.

I recalled the time when I lied to you.
You were just so angry.
Maybe you were experiencing mood swings.
Well, that's typical girls.

I just hope when we are back again, I will make you happier than before.
However, the chances of us getting back are so slim. Friday, November 04, 2005 Homework.
I can't even start.
I swear I am going to start on Sunday.
Tomorrow.
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Why didn't I start my homework?
Because all I could think is the game you were always playing.
So that I could catch up with you.
And play together with you and your friends.
I just wish I can finish all my homework by this weekend.

Can I?
I hope so.
As long I can finish this homework, I can have more time to think of you.
Practice my guitar.
So that I may have a chance to perform one day for you.

You, you, you.
My whole mind is just filled with you.
Just you alone.
Of course, with your perfect smile.
A very magnificent one.
Which never stops radiating happiness around with it. Thursday, November 03, 2005 Today was just so boring.
I didn't even do any homework.
I can't even be bothered.
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All I could think is you.
You were playing that lame game.

What I could think was to see you.
In your real face.
Not in the game.
But it's alright, at least I get to hear your language of speaking.

Do I feel happy?
Not really.
There was homework.
I didn't even bothered to do.
Did you do your homework?
I guess so.
You were those type of people who always finish their homework first.
And play last.

Will I ever have that attitude of yours?
No.

You know, I really wished that you know.
That I really still love you a lot.
Even other people can phone you.
Why can't I do it with courage? Wednesday, November 02, 2005 You know, memories never stop flowing.
Like my old friends.
My current friends.
My best friends.
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And of course you.
In the lame game, I added you as buddies.
You keep making question marks.
I just took it you didn't understand me well.
Or were you acting?

I don't think so.
In the game, you told someone to call you.
In the past, did anyone actually called you every night?
Yes.
That was me.

And did I impacted you with a special feeling?
Yes.
That was love.
From me directly to your heart.

As you said, nobody is perfect.
Learn to forgive others.
Will you forgive me? Tuesday, November 01, 2005 There are many things I cannot forget.
My school.
Friends.
Someone special.
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Which is you.
You were the most special one in my life.
And I will never forget.
You were the one, who gave me the most happiness.
In my whole life.
You made my life the brightest.

In the office, I stay all day.
All I could think is you.
The moments I wanted to approach you.
But without the courage.

Why am I such a failure?
Because without you, nothing much is achievable.
You know, with you around, many things I achieved, are with pride and dignity.
Because I achieved it for you.
And if I had anything I had achieved without you.
It means that you are in my mind all the time.

And I would love you will see my achievements.
But sadly, I know you wouldn't. Monday, October 31, 2005 Half sad.
Half happy.
I just cannot forget.
----------------------------------------------------
I just cannot forget what happened yesterday.
I even smiled to myself before I slept.
I cannot forget your facial expressions when I called out your name during the last day of school.

You are just way cute.
And beautiful.
I just miss you so much.
School days are way better than holidays.
Because I can see you.

Will we be together?
I really wish so.
Will I get to play street soccer with you around?
Maybe.

I really cannot forget those messages.
I sent you a message on your birthday.
Hoping you will reply.
But no.
You didn't.
As I expected.

I just hope to see your one last message. Sunday, October 30, 2005 I was out the whole day.
I was thinking and thinking.
I went to the beach.
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And thought about you.
I saw a couple, kissing each other.
Will they be us, in the near future?
How could that be?

Who would want me?
I think no one.
Do you want me?
No.

You know, I kept wondering what will your day be for today.
Happy?
But for me, I was totally happy.

I was playing that online game.
My friend suddenly told me that you thanked me for the present.
I was more than elated.
I even wanted to fly to the moon straight away.
With you.

I just hoped you really liked the present and never throw it away. Saturday, October 29, 2005 I feel like the end of the year.
I cannot see certain people for 2 months.
----------------------------------------------------
I cannot see you for 2 months.
That's just so sad.
I mustered all my courage to approach you.
But you just walked away.

My whole heart sank.
I told someone to passed to you.
She told me that you didn't seem like receiving.
But in the end, you did accept it.
My whole heart became happier.

When it was time to get report books, I was looking out for you.
Trying to do a lip read on how much you've got.
Within minutes, it was my turn.
I just slipped to one corner and peeped at my marks.

I released a sense of happiness through my mouth.
It was you, who helped me got this results.
You know, I wonder what will be like tomorrow.
I just want to say, 'I love you'.

Although you might not see this, but I really hope you can feel it deep down in your heart. Friday, October 28, 2005 Tomorrow.
Will be the last day of school.
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I ain't going to see you for two months.
The day after tomorrow is your birthday.
Although I have a fear of giving you the present, I know I must do it.
You were important.
I told you in the past I might not give you a present.
But no.

Now I'm giving you a present tomorrow.
What will happen tomorrow?
Will I have the courage to speak to you?
I guess I have.

Many things will be happening tomorrow.
I will, give you.
I can assure you that.
I was actually dreaming of bringing the guitar again, playing the birthday song for you.

But I am such a failure.
I cannot even do a beautiful song for such occasion.
How stupid I can go more.

Tomorrow, the day which we will be getting out report cards.
Which means the end of the day for me.
But you, will you be still shining in my dark world? Thursday, October 27, 2005 Today went disarray.
Everything went haywire.
I didn't even scored a proper goal.
----------------------------------------------------
There was the Student Dialogue Session.
I had to attend this funny session which I didn't really wanted to.
But I had to.
I had lost 2 hours of my guitar lesson.

When I was too afraid to approach the teacher, I thought of you.
You were the one who gave me the courage to approach the teacher.
I hope there is just one day, we have this camp.
And I was the one playing guitar for you.

But of course, these will never happen.
These are just dreams.
And to me, dreams don't even come true.
They are just an illusion or probably a hallucination.
But to me, you were reality.

In the night sky,
You were the most brightly lit star in the whole piece of darkness.
You were the one, who followed through me with all the weals and woes through life.
But why, out of a sudden, started to stop shining?
Out of the blue, everything changed. Wednesday, October 26, 2005 Today was just so fun.
Wild.
Happy.
----------------------------------------------------
I was playing street soccer with my friends at the street soccer court.
When we were walking to it, you were also walking to the playground near it.
Although I don't know what happened between you and the rest, I just knew myself looking at you.
For you, I scored 6 goals.
I was the Man of the Match.

How did I achieve that?
It was you.
The motivation.
Motivated me all along the way.
I kept thinking, I must put up a good show for you.

Tomorrow, being the Art Appreciation Day, I will be bringing my guitar.
I am also the extra one, in the school's guitar lesson.
If I have the time, I might even have time to show off.
I just wished, you are so impressed, that you are happy for me.

Yesterday, when I heard you got full marks for Math's Paper 2.
My whole heart sank.
After my friend told me something, I felt that, I should be happy.
Because it was you who scored the best.
Not some other hypocrites.
I don't know whether I will stay in the top 10.
I just know I love you. Tuesday, October 25, 2005 Everything's gone.
Almost everything.
I am left with almost nothing.
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You love.
Everything.

Now that my cover is blown about the game, I don't know what to do.
Will you add me as your friend?
What will happen next?

It's all just so frustrating.
Everything seems to be in a blurred vision.
But not you.
You were so clear to me.

During the lesson of choosing the category for Art Appreciation Day, everything was mixed up.
I really hoped that you would go as the same course with me.
But no.
You chose music instead of guitar.
Anyway, I had to solve my problems tomorrow.

I just hope all the problems will go away forever.
All I wish is just to be with you.
Is it so difficult? Monday, October 24, 2005 Exams are finally over.
There is something more important coming up.
It's this Saturday.
It is a big day.
Just 6 more days to it.
----------------------------------------------------
What will happen if I give you the present?
Will you smile?
What will really happen?
I really wish you will be happy after receiving it.

On the last day of school.
I will give it to you.
Please let me take a few more glances.
Lest if I don't have any chances.

I hope you don't throw it away.
It's priceless.
Although it is not done by me, it's precious.
It cannot be bought anywhere.
Because of the love inside, right from the bottom of my heart.

What will happen during the holidays?
What will happen tomorrow?
Will it end happily in the end of the week?
Or it will end sad.
I just want it to be ended with a smile right from you. Sunday, October 23, 2005 Why did I started this blog?
Why?
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Because of you.
I really wanted to vent everything out on here.
So that one day you may notice it.
But no.
You will never.
In the past, you did.
For once or twice.
But not everytime.

The gap between us.
It's bigger and bigger.
It keeps on opening.
We never reach each other.
Never.

Just 1 more week.
I won't see you for 2 months.
That will make me so sad.
Very very sad.
I won't get to see you smile.
I really would love to see you smile. Saturday, October 22, 2005 Do you all hate me?
I can feel it.
I can feel that you all hate me because I am irritating.
Like a retarded fool.
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When will someone come up and say to me that she loves me?
When will it happen?
It might not happen.
But, I still carry on this hope.
Because I really hope that you will love me.

Will you love me?
Currently, I think not.
I've looked through conversations between us.
They were just unforgettable.

Will they come again?
Please God, let her SMS me again.
Call me again.
Talk to me through MSN Messenger again.
Please.

I will do anything just to make you happy.
I will even die for you.
Serious.
You know, I really wish I can spent my life with you. Friday, October 21, 2005 I started the journey of a game.
Which I never imagined I would play again.
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It was you.
You gave me the power to played this game.
My friends encouraged me.
And I, simulated you in my mind.
I just played on.

What will happen if we see each other on the screen?
Will you speak to me?
Will I speak to you?
What will really happen?

You know, I really hope those SMS will come again.
I saw my bill.
They were 100 bucks ++ again.
But it wasn't you.
Why was my bill high?
I chatted with friends.
Sometimes talking about you.

What does this means?
This means that my heart still has you. Thursday, October 20, 2005 Finally, exams are over.
Many things remained the same.
But there is one thing which hasn't changed.
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My love for you.
It's hard to change.
Nor I will change it easily.

There was once I asked you whether it was possible to SMS you.
You said, no.
My whole heart sank.
Were you waiting for me as well like my friend said?
I just can't imagine the consequences.
You might get punished and stuff.

Is this situation going to continue?
Or is it going to change somehow?
Will the following year be a better year?
Will the love from you come during next year?

I hope so.
I really wish to have a big change in my life.
If there was one thing I want to do, I just want to be with you.
For eternity.
It's practically impossible but I hope it will happen.
Will it happen? Wednesday, October 19, 2005 One last exam.
Just one more.
----------------------------------------------------
So what if exams are over?
They are futile.
Will you send SMS to me?
Will you call me?
No.

I looked through our conversations through MSN Messenger once more.
They are just unforgettable.
MSN Messenger was our communicating tools between us.
Will it once more work for us for a special reason?
I really hope so.

You know, everything went haywire.
I said many things which hurt your heart.
You tolerated.
The love slowly faded.
I can sense it.
It finally faded without chances of getting back.

Everything just seems like jigsaw puzzle which cannot be put back together again.
When will everything be fixed to become one complete piece?
Will you?
Will Fate allow?

I just hope so. Tuesday, October 18, 2005 Will dreams happen?
Does it really come true?
No.
It will never.
No matter how one tries, it will never come true.
----------------------------------------------------
I bought new spectacles.
Wishing you will notice it.
When I reached the canteen, the fat-ass told you I came.
You turned round and looked at me.
I then walk to my common seat.

What was your reaction in your heart?
Were you elated?
Or something else?
You know, I just wish you will talk to me.
I really want to understand you better.

Stupid fools like me just have lousy understanding.
Please, will you talk to me?
Send SMS to me?
Call me?
No.

All these will not happen anymore.
Never ever.
All because I did one foolish thing. Monday, October 17, 2005 I went to Malaysia.
My uncle was marrying.
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There was barely nothing I could do.
All I did was to think of you.
I tried to get a signal on my phone, so that if your SMS come, I can reply.
But I was wrong.
SMS from you will never come ever again.

You know, my uncle was so happy.
I even imagined that we will be like them.
But all these are mere imaginations.
They will never happen.

When will I meet a girl of my heart?
I recognize you as the girl of my heart.
But I guess, I wasn't your type.

Why no one likes me?
Why almost everyone hates me?
Is it because of my character?
Or what?
Please, will you tell me what to do? Sunday, October 16, 2005 I went out almost the whole day.
----------------------------------------------------
When I'm always out, I always wish that I can meet you somewhere.
But, no.
The chance will never ever come.

I wish to hear your voice again.
Will I ever have the chance to hear it again?
Through the phone.
I really hope so.

You know, I really hope you will talk to me.
I really would love to have the chance to talk to you everyday, making you happy and stuff.
But I know, those chances will never come.

I just want to stay with you.
In your life.
Full of colors.
And joy.

Did I make you too scared?
Do I treat you better than others?
You told me, I treat you very well.
But I still feel, I don't care enough for you.

There was many times I doubt myself.
Should I love you forever?
I should.
Because I believe we will be forever.
Towards the end, everything turned upside down.
Everything changed unexpectedly. Saturday, October 15, 2005 Was it gastric?
Or was it something more then that?
Cancer?
Appendicitis?
Aren't I thinking too far.
----------------------------------------------------
I used my hands to hold on to my stomach.
Hoping to catch your attention.
Many times.
But failed.
You just seemed like you didn't know.
That is just so sad.

During that point of time, I had the thinking of saying 'I love you' because I have a feeling that I will leave this world.
I really wanted to go up to your face and say.
But I guess just seeing your face will help in anything.

Not many people asked what happened to me.
How much I wished you asked.
Why didn't you?
Are you what my friend said?
I am too lousy for you?

That's what I think.
I just want you to know that I really love you.
And if I really did hurt you hard, please, forgive me.
I am willing to suffer any hardships, just in exchange for the safety of you. Friday, October 14, 2005 Should I be happy or not?
Tomorrow will be having History exam.
How sad.
----------------------------------------------------
When we had our second recess, we had soccer.
Upon coming back, people told me that one fat-ass disturbed you.
Cooking up a lame excuse, I shouted at him.
He went back to his seat.
Were you happy?
I don't know.

I suddenly feel a little happier.
Because I feel that I made you happy.
But was that a fact?
I really hope so.

Orders of class photos passed around today.
I picked two.
Both had the best pictures of you.
The pretty smile, the magnificent face.
As soon I get hands on those photos, I will be elated because I can see your face everyday.

You know, I just hope you are in my life.
Despite many criticisms about you, I always tried to vituperate them back.
Protecting you.
Would I have the honour to bring you happiness for your youth?
I guess not.
Everything has changed. Thursday, October 13, 2005 I feel so disappointed.
I feel like I am a stupid idiot.
I feel like I am having mood swings.
----------------------------------------------------
Everytime you talk to a guy, I feel a sense scent of jealousy in my heart.
I overheard your conversation with somebody.
You told him not to call you today.
What did that mean?
It means that he normally calls you.
Which I used to do.

Everything changes.
Especially Man.
I told you I will be forever changed.
I guess I am.

Or is it the same old me?
I am in such a messy dilemma.
All I could think is you.

I hear many advices from my best friend.
About how to talk to you, how to approach you.
But I just cannot pick up the courage.

How useless of me.
How much I wish I just die.

Will you still care for me now?
I wonder. Wednesday, October 12, 2005 I have a special feeling.
Very disturbing it is.
----------------------------------------------------
Everytime I look at you, you seem to look back at me.
Was that few glimpses meaning you're having a feeling for me?
How much I hope so.
But, I guess that isn't the case.

I really hope the feeling will come back.
It will never ever.
The sweet voice, the beautiful face, they will only live in my memories.
Not in my everyday life.
I have taken too much for granted.
Can I please have you back?

Today, when I was playing soccer with my friends today, you came as well.
As you slowly walk into your common path to home, my heart just slowly sank deeper and deeper.
At that point of time, I really love to shout out your name, saying , 'I love you'.
Due to my uselessness, I can't.

All I could do is to stare at you, taking fast steps to home.
I really hope you just turn back, realizing I am glancing at you.
Those memories will just flow.
And the actions will not be taken.

There are many things I want to do.
But I guess I cannot. Tuesday, October 11, 2005 What are dreams?
In my opinion, they are something which you hope for or desire for.
And what do I desire for?
----------------------------------------------------
You.
You were the one whom I love most.
Care most.
Think most.
Look most.

Almost every single minute, I tried looking for your face.
Because I want to look at you and your smile.
Your smile is the most beautiful one I have ever seen.

Today during the English Mock Exam today, my friend behind me was so noisy.
I tried making him to keep quiet.
Before the exam even started, we talked.
The teacher then called us the three of us, behind each other, to go collect books for her.
We even helped a teacher to give out books.
When we came back, not only we were awarded a stay back, we were also being laughed.
I tried making you laughed as well, by blaming my friend.

I really wished to see your smile on your face.
That makes the beautiful you more magnificent.
Every single day, the most beautiful person I have seen throughout the day, would be you.
And I will never ever forget your smile and your face. Monday, October 10, 2005 Something just happened.
Something which was hard to explain.
----------------------------------------------------
You came online.
But that was about 22 hours ago and I did not realize.
Why?
I was too inattentive.
Why didn't I notice you online?
Why, why, why?

How blur could I go?
I remembered once you told me I was blur, instead of stupid.
You know, your chat logs are the longest in the folder.
3 files.
They are all the histories which belong to you and I.
Those were the files which I can never forget.

The happy and the unhappy times we had.
I just wish I can have another long chat.
This long chat, which will never ever end.

Do you know what is my wish?
My wish is to spend my whole life with you.
But, those will not happen.
It will never.

I just hope, it will. Sunday, October 09, 2005 Many people aren't online.
Because of the exam period.
----------------------------------------------------
Especially you.
I really hoped you were online.
Because I really wish you came online to see me if I am online.
How naive of me.

Yesterday night I mustered all my courage to call your handphone.
After hearing the 'Bye Bye Ring Ring' starting tone, I decided to put down.
Because I just wanted to confirm if you turned on your phone.
I just wished you could pick up the phone like before.

The time we chat, was way beyond our imaginations.
I remembered your very sweet voice.
I would just like to hear it again.

You know, I really don't mind if I go into a operation just to see you coming and say what you wanted before I had any chances of dying.
What will happen if I die?
Will you be so sad that you will say 'I love you'?
I really hope so.

I saw a Taiwan variety show, talking about a group of Taiwanese trying to match up a couple despite the guy's mother's rejection.
He even took up swimming so that the girl will be touched.
How much I hope we were them, excluding all the problems.
I just want you to know, I am even willing to sacrifice my life for you, just like them. Saturday, October 08, 2005 The number of full stops.
It all fits.
Are you referring to me?
I'm suspecting coincidence.
It can't be.
----------------------------------------------------
My friend said you liked somebody but it wasn't from our school.
Was it a lie, or is it the truth?
I know, I can't be with you.
You were too good.
Such good qualities should go with people with good values.
People like me, should not deserve anyone nor anything.

I am just someone, which everyone at least hates once.
Everyone.
You know, when my friend told me that news, my whole heart sank.
Thinking whether it is the truth or not.
I don't know.
I am in such a mess.

During the exam, I hope to make you laugh.
The one behind me, was so noisy.
I just couldn't resist to make him shut up.
I really hope I did make you laugh.

Why do I have to make things so complicated?
Why?
Everytime I get into trouble.
Just because I wanted to make you laugh.
You just didn't seem to laugh.
Such a failure I am. Friday, October 07, 2005 Am I 50-50 happy and sad?
Maybe 70-30.
I will be so sad tomorrow.
----------------------------------------------------
Today after school, my friends and I played soccer at the street soccer court.
When you passed by, I tried to find a chance to score.
But to my terrible dismay, no.
After you disappeared from my sight, I scored one.
And then another one.

I was so glad that I can score for you.
If you were there looking at me, I just hope you are going to be proud of me.

During Science, you were whacking your partner.
Why didn't that happen to me?
I don't mind if you kill me or what.
I just wish to see your happy face if I make you smile.

Only your gleeful smile, can make my heart warm.

Every single day in school, I look at you.
Almost every minute.
I just hope to see your smile.
I really want to.

Almost everyone talks to you in the last few months.
But not me.
When was the last time I have ever talked to you?
I don't know.
It was donkey years, even before the June holidays I guess.

Sad.
Just plain sad. Thursday, October 06, 2005 I feel like I am having mixed feelings.
I don't know whether I should be happy or sad.
I seem to be in a big whirl.
----------------------------------------------------
During History today, teacher awarded sweets.
People then started to passed sweets to me.
One of my best friends, who was sitting in front of you, told you to pass those sweets to me.
You told the person behind you to pass it to me.
You seem to say my name with joy.
I was so glad.

During Chinese class, people were giving out compositions.
You were one of those people giving out.
I wondered if you will ask other people about my name.
I was surprised.
You did not.

Has my name left a deep impression on you?
What naive thinking I have.

I just hope that I did.
You know, I just want to see you everyday.
Carrying a special smile, which warms my heart.

Although you were laughing with the people I don't really like, I really don't mind.
I just want you to be happy.
Really.

I just wish you would see this.
I want you to know that I love you. Wednesday, October 05, 2005 Am I happy?
There were a few amendments to my life.
Yesterday and today.
----------------------------------------------------
I saw you coming down the stairs of the bus when your stop had come.
Yesterday I let off a smile.
Today I let off nothing.
Instead I looked somewhere.
I was too embarrassed to face you.

I have disappointed you many times.
Again, for English lesson.
I called your partner.
You seldom turn around.

That totally saddens me.
What can I do to salvage this situation?
All I want is to be with you, to make you happy.
Is is so difficult?

Why do I have to make things so complicated?
I have caused so much trouble for so many people.
I feel so sick of this life.
I just wish to spend my life with you.

Without you, everything seems dark.
Very dark.

You are the star in my world. Tuesday, October 04, 2005 I feel so changes around me.
I want to change.
To change to a better person which everyone will like.
----------------------------------------------------
Especially you.

When I called your partner during English lesson today, you seem to have several head turns.
Those turns really made me feel warm and glad.
Despite the fathomless lacuana I am in, I feel that I have the ability to fly up high to meet this little angel of my heart.
As the saying goes, 'Everything changes.'
Even for anyone's feelings.
For instance, yours and mine.

In the near future, I might not love you anymore.
But I can assure you, that I can love you now.

Upon your face,
there was something special,
which always breaks through the radiating Sun,
it was your smile.

That was my second poem.
Should I have time, I shall write,

But even if I write, will you ever see?

During several lessons, I looked at you.
I feel that you are looking at me.
Would I ever see, you smiling back at me for more times? Monday, October 03, 2005 What are hopes?
To me, they are almost similar to wishes.
What are my wishes?
----------------------------------------------------
I just want to be with you.
I'm afraid it is so hard.

What was I doing the whole day?
Slogging over the homework.
Most importantly, thinking of you.

You were the one who was in my mind all the time.

In a unclear, dark lonely sea,
you seem to stand like a lighthouse.
Giving off bright, white light,
to guide my way through the ocean blue.

This was my first poem.
I just hope you see it.

Should you be with me, I just hope there is an important event for me to attend.
So that you will feel proud.

How naive can I go. Sunday, October 02, 2005 What is love?
According to my dictionary, it says deep affection or fondness.
That's what happens to me.
----------------------------------------------------
I love you.

Is it wrong?
I have fathomless obsession for you.
I am the one who thinks of you every single second.
You were the one who doesn't.

Who am I in your eyes?
A monster?
A pervert?
An irritating person?
Please tell me.

Please, talk to me.
Or send me a message or something.
I am afraid I will fail my Chinese again.

Why do I always keep flopping?
During the exams, my mind was not about those correct answers.
My answers were you, you, you.
The answers never seem to stop.

Why did I learn guitar?
It was because you learnt music.
If I don't know music, I am just a useless piece of junk which belongs to the trash.

I just cannot forget the things happened to us.
I will never ever forget. Saturday, October 01, 2005 I just realized that life isn't so easy to go on.
I forced myself to go on with this life.
Just for one person.
----------------------------------------------------
You.

Without you in my life, I am so lonely.

I just need your smile and laughter.
Everyday during class, what do I always do?
Take glimpses at you.

At times, when I looked at you, you seem to look at me.
Is history repeating?
I hope so.

I just wish to change the facts.
I shouldn't let out something between us.
How stupid can I go?
I wouldn't trust anyone.
Except you.

Everything you say, I believe.

All I hope is for the feeling, to come back. Friday, September 30, 2005 What do I want?
Went to play soccer with friends.
Who/What was I thinking?
----------------------------------------------------
You.

I even started to write 3 poems.
Just hoping you will notice it.
Sadly, I don't think you will.

You know, all I just wish is to have you in my life.

My friend, have a chance to woo someone.
Sadly, he doesn't want.
How can he do that?
I don't want anyone to end up like me.
No one.

It is really painful if someone breaks your heart.
Especially a girl.
I don't wish anyone to end up like me.

When there is someone who likes you, try and treasure him or her.
Golden opportunities don't come so easily. Thursday, September 29, 2005 There was something which was on my pencil case for days.
Just for a few days.
It was a big difference.
It had been in my pencil box for a very, very long time.
----------------------------------------------------
Do you know how I got that string?
You shared with me when it was Geography exam last semester.
I kept it, all the way till now.
Hoping you will notice the change.

But since the day I put in on, you seem to have an attitude change towards me.
Was it you were unhappy about me putting the string on my pencil case?
Or was it you were unhappy that I still kept things which can remind about you?
I don't know.
All I wish is that you will tell me what you want.
I really wish to provide with what you want.

I really wish to see you being happy everyday.
Unlike me, being happy on the outside, bleeding in the inside.
Internal injury.
It hurts a lot.
And it has been there for so long.
No one notices it.
I have tried to cut on my arrogance today.
I wanted to improve my silence and try to make you happier.
But will that help?

I just hope someday you will talk to me.
Will you just talk to me?
You know, I feel so lonely in my heart.
It seems that no one cares about me.
And who would I think of?
You.
It's all about you. Wednesday, September 28, 2005 Another day.
Almost like yesterday.
Dull and boring.
----------------------------------------------------
During Chinese, I told you that you had something on your hair.
You turned around, seems to be feigning ignorance for me.
When I started to wave, you turned to me and I started to talk.
I had mustered my courage.

Do you want to know what I've been doing all day?
I guess not.
It will scare you.
And I guessed you had enough.
Everyone might already had enough of my arrogance and irritation.
I know.
I am just not fit enough to be with you all.
To you all, I might just be a pea.

Everyone is taking everyone for granted because they are there for you everyday.
All because I take you for granted, that was how I lost you.
Nothing will come back again.
You won't.
The feeling won't.

No one will like me.
No one will love me.
No one will.
Not you.
Nor anyone else.
Because I am too lousy for anyone. Tuesday, September 27, 2005 Today.
Seems totally dull.
Boring.
----------------------------------------------------
You had little smiles today.
You look so down.
Even when I called the on who sat beside you, out of four or five times, you turned around only once or twice.
I wonder what happened.
Are you having mood swings or something?
I don't know.
I mean, its natural.

I just don't understand why people like to say you.
Everytime they just seem to bully you.
I even scolded them sometimes.
But do you ever notice the love within those words?

You used to say I care too much for you.
What about now?
I don't know.
So I would like you to tell me.
I really want to change for a better person.

You just seem to be a perfectionist.
But normally, I don't even think you are one.

All I wish to see everyday is you, your smile and your laughter.
Most of all, I of course, would like to have a chance to speak to you.
But I wouldn't bring it so high though.
All the things I need everyday will lighten up my day and my stress.
What's more, bring more happiness to my life. Monday, September 26, 2005 What is love?
What is obsession?
Now, what is problem with me?
----------------------------------------------------
Am I too obsessed with you that I couldn't concentrate on my work?
All I could think is you.
Just you.
The bright you.

I want to call you.
But the guts just won't come.
If I call up your house, what will your family think?
I know your family don't mind.
But I do.
What if I call your handphone?
You won't pick up.
You don't even on at times.

Sometimes I really wonder what will happen if I die.
Will you cry for me?
And by the time, sit by my coffin, saying I love you?
What am I thinking?
How naive can I go.
All these thought just flow through my mind.
Just, zoom.
They flash.

But you.
The pictures of you won't just zoom across.
They stay, and will not leave. Sunday, September 25, 2005 How naive of me.
To produce such posts.
I know, you guys hate me.
Everyone.
One by one, slowly leaves me.
----------------------------------------------------
Especially you.
I sometimes wonder if you still hate me.
And why you hate me.
You know, at times, I feel like calling you.
But I just feel so shy.
What will the outcome be?

I just don't know.
I just feel like talking to you.
We can't even communicate.
Through the phone, SMS, nor verbally.

How stupid of me.
I can't even crack a joke for you to laugh.
All I wish is to make you happy.
It is that easy.
But when I want to do it, it feels so hard.
Just so hard.

I am like the moon.
And you are the Sun.
My heart, resembles the moon, filled with craters on the surface.

At times, I even think that you are my stars.

In the dark night,
you shone luminously above me.
Deterred by your magnitude,
nothing was made.
Only wishes. Saturday, September 24, 2005 I feel happy.
Probably a little.
----------------------------------------------------
My friend told you to say ' Hi ' to me before he said ' I love you ' to the person he likes.
That ' Hi ' was so nice.
Although it seems to be a little weird.
But I love you.
You actually talked to me.
I was so surprised.

The whole day during NCC, I kept thinking about you.
I told myself, I must march properly, for you.

Everytime during NCC, I wished for attention.
Especially yours.
I just want to see your face and I am very contented.
That's all.

I understand you can't.
There is studies and parents restriction.
You might not even want to see me.
I don't know.
I am very blur.
Everything seems blur.

It seems dark.
Only the torch of you, standing in the dark.
All I can see is you.

I just want to communicate with you in class.
Now it is so hard.
Because everything has changed. Friday, September 23, 2005 Today was fun.
IMT and stuff.
But it might not be fun if not for someone.
----------------------------------------------------
It was you.
I passed my IMT just because I was thinking all about you.
My whole mind was simulating about you.
Thinking deeply about you.
I told myself I had to get marksman for you.
Instead, I got a Pass.
If you were there, I just hope you were happy for me.

I really wished you were there to give support so that I may do better.
I might have already got the marksman if you were there.
Just the whole time out there, I was thinking about you.
I have to say something.
I did most of the things for you.
I just hope you feel proud.

No one cheers for me.
No one cares for me.
We got out of class early.
Did you worry for me?
I don't know.
I just hope so.
I worried for you, that's why I typically walked back, pretending to wait for my friend.
All I did was to take more glimpses of you before my heart could rest. Thursday, September 22, 2005 Everything went haywire today.
My friend, just keep whacking one of my best friend's 'girl'.
He whacked back at my normal friend.
----------------------------------------------------
You had that very shocked look.
What was running through your mind?
Were you hoping that you being hurt, you will be protected by me?
How much I wish so.
But it isn't.
The situation isn't like that.

How could you think about that?
I can already guessed it.
You weren't thinking about that.

Every single day, I can only be happy when you are happy.
You aren't much happy today.
Do you like my best friend instead of me?
I know I look so ugly.
And stupid.

I don't have all the points in a man you are looking for.
I guess I can't provide much in your life.
Probably laughter and happiness.
I am sure to guarantee that everything that happens between the both of us, nothing will be divulged.
I can keep that promise.

I may not stay with you forever.
But how much I wish we are together again.
For eternity. Wednesday, September 21, 2005 In this world.
Everything seems so blur.
I am blur, the things around me are blur.
----------------------------------------------------
But you were always the brightest to shine upon me.
Which means, I can only see you in my world.

I don't know why are online at such a late time.
Did you came online just to see me?
How naive I am.

I keep whacking someone's butt because he was always talking to you.
Which made me so jealous.
He was always so proud.
I wouldn't say I wasn't proud.
I am just not as proud as him.

I thought of you.
I think of you.
I will think of you.

You exist in my past, present and the future.
The memories never end.

The penguin on my bed.
Always let me recall your voice, and your tone.
You had that very sweet tone.
There was this sound which emits when pressed on its stomach.
You asked what was it.
I told you it was my penguin.
You had that very nice, gentle laughter which warms my heart. Tuesday, September 20, 2005 I feel a little happier these days.
Especially today.
----------------------------------------------------
I called your partner during English repeatedly.
You turned your head back also.
Have I got your full attention?
I don't know.
When you turned back, I didn't look at you.
Even if I did, they were glimpses.

Why didn't I look at you?
I was too ashamed to look at you.
After all the things I had done to you, I feel that I cannot look at you.
You are too good for me.
I really wish to have a chance to be with you.

But, I guess I don't.
The golden opportunity doesn't always come.
They always slip away.

Almost the whole of today, I couldn't took my eyes off you.
Which means you are so attractive.
What about me?
I am the ugly toad, wanting to eat the magnificent swan.

No one will want to look at me.
Not even you.
I am ugly.
I am stupid.
You aren't.
If I am not stupid, I would have won your heart for eternity.

I am just so stupid. Monday, September 19, 2005 The feeling.
Has always been there.
For the past few months, the love from you isn't in my heart.
Nor anyone's.
----------------------------------------------------
My feeling.
Where has it gone to?
Right to your heart.
It has never left it since the starting of the year.

For a few times, I might have said, I love you forever.
We might not be together forever.
But at the point of time when I said that phrase, I didn't wish you to leave me.
I actually predicted you wouldn't leave me.
I was wrong.
You left me.

To you, it wasn't left.
Because we weren't even together at the first place.

How I wish we are, back together again.
For eternity.
I know, it wouldn't happen.
Nothing is eternity.
Everything changes.

These months.
I wanted my love for you to not change.
It did.
Now that things are a little better, the love for you, is more now.
In other words, I love you deeper now. Sunday, September 18, 2005 Everytime I am in class.
I feel happy.
The feeling seems to be back.
Just the feeling.
----------------------------------------------------
The real feeling isn't back yet.
And it isn't coming back.
It will never come back.

Those messages.
Those calls.
They won't come anymore.

I won't get to hear your voices again.
Through phone, nor to face-to-face.
Never ever, will it ever happen again.

You told me you don't hate me.
I had doubts.
But, I had to believe you.
Because I love you.
I had to.
Even though I had doubts.
I don't know.
Whether if you were lying or not.
I hope not.

You might not love me.
But, can you let me love you?
I really do love you.
I just hope you give me this chance. Saturday, September 17, 2005 I miss someone.
I really do.

I feel so revved up today.
Really.
----------------------------------------------------
During NCC, you and your friends came to look at our NCC platoon.
I feel totally revved up.
I stood at perfect attention.
I want to impress you.

I guess the dark days are over.
But I am not contented yet.
Yes, I am greedy.
That is the real me.

You stayed up till 4 p.m.
I was so happy you stayed such a long time.
When we were split up for games, people said you looked at me.
Instead of looking of you, I think of you.
I am serious.

Nearing the end of NCC, I really regretted not looking at you.
I don't even mind pumping for you.
I really don't.
The sacrifice is worth it.
Because I really love you.
I can do whatever you say.

These few days are going to be busy.
But I am not going to forget you, because, I love you. Friday, September 16, 2005 I belong to this blur world.
I wonder.
Are the better days coming?
I guess not.
----------------------------------------------------
I greeted you.
You told me the greeting which was said yesterday wasn't made by you.
You said it was someone.
That made me furious, and sad.

Why was I furious?
It was that little short-fud, buck-toothed, busybody girl.
How I wish she wasn't in this school.
But I couldn't blame her as well.
I had the whole day blaming myself not replying to your Instant Message.

Secondly, why am I sad?
It wasn't you who said the greeting.
My whole heart just sank.
How much I hope it was you who greeted me.

Why am I so useless?
I asked you a question, which you didn't answer.
The question must have been difficult to answer.
Should I ask the second question?
Or just stay open the conversation window?
I don't know.

I am blind.
I am so, so blind.

I don't know if I still love you. Thursday, September 15, 2005 I really feel better today.
Really.
There was a change in something.
----------------------------------------------------
You made it clear to me, that we were still friends.
That made me so happy.
But I wonder, the hatred has left you.

During today's Art lesson, I had your drawing piece, I called out your name, and passed it to you.
You seem a little glad.
That little smile made me feel warmth.

Today, I was so immersed in a game that I left out your greeting when you were online.
When the game came to an end, you were already offline.
My whole heart sank.
I really wished to give you an SMS or a phone call.
But now, nothing can be done.

Have I really been changing?
I don't know.

I got another person to promise me to make you happy.
And now I can assure you, that 3/4 of your friends can make you happy.
I am one of those 1/4 people who can't make you happy.
I just hope you are happier with them.

I don't know whether if I still love you.
I don't know.
I admit, I love a person is with its looks.
By as time goes by, I found out your inner looks.
Which made me feel you are brighter.
That made me more love you.

And now, I am in this fathomless, lacuana. Wednesday, September 14, 2005 I am so lazy.
Exams are coming the next 3 weeks and I have not even started a single thing.
What was I thinking which made me so distracted?
----------------------------------------------------
You.
You were in my world of thoughts.
In other words, all I could think is you.
Were you thinking of me?
I hope so.

During English lesson today, you seem to laugh at certain matter because they were so-called punished.
I don't know.
I wasn't thinking of anything by then.
Only you was in my mind.

Every single day after school, I feel so lonely.
Because without your laughter, I can hardly smile.
I have been trying so hard to get attention.
Especially yours.
But your attention wasn't to me.
It was to other people.

I just got another person to promise me to made you as happy as possible.
You might be just the happiest girl ever in the world.
Perharps without love, you are much better.
I predict you are going to be a very career-minded women.

As for me, a person who is still looking for love.
I am waiting.
For you. Tuesday, September 13, 2005 Does anyone know?
No one knows how I feel inside.
There is so many people.
Don't know about me.
They just live their own lives.
----------------------------------------------------
You don't even care about me.
There is no one who cared more than you did when we were together.
I really regretted it.
I realized that a relationship is a matter of two people.
Not the others.

Should we have a chance to be together again, I promise I won't tell anyone, anything.
I guess, the chance, has already gone.
The hatred, might still been there.
The point is, no one really cares for me.

You know, I wish you can be happy, almost forever.
Hence, I made 1 person to promise me to make you happy.
That isn't the end.
I am going to make another 2 people to promised to make you happy.
Lastly, you are probably going to be the happiest person in the world because you have many people to make you happy excluding me.

Your world does not have me.
That means, my world is gone. Monday, September 12, 2005 It's so hard.
Everything's so hard.

Tomorrow, the cradle of the new term.
----------------------------------------------------
I don't know how to face you.
After all the things I had done, I feel so ashamed to face you.
I don't know what to do.
I just don't know.

All I know is to take glimpses of you.
And you, don't even take glimpses of me.
I know.

Everything all went wrong today.
How will you face me?
With a laughter or a smile?
Most unlikely, a depressed face.

People said you were selfish.
What did I do?
I debated with them.
Will that defence change the feeling between you and me?

No.
I know.
It will never. Monday, September 12, 2005 I just cannot stop thinking.
About someone.
I am just so disappointed in you.
Why is everything so hard?
----------------------------------------------------
I really don't know what to do.
I am so confused.
About everything.
Especially you.

You know, you just mean so much in my life.
Happiness and stuff.
It is all under your control.
Everytime I see you, I feel happy.
Because you have friends, to make you happy.

I have a feeling, that I'm leaving this world.
Very soon.
It just seem the absence of you includes the absence of me.
I really love you.
I really do.

Do you appreciate?
I guess not.
I don't know.
I just feel you aren't.

You just don't feel anything.
I guess.

Saturday, September 10, 2005 We were leaving.
Bought souvenirs and stuff.
----------------------------------------------------
I was thinking of buying a gift for you.
But given your character, I doubt you will even take the gift.
I was thinking of buying a necklace, writing your name on it.
But, as I said, you won't accept it.

There was something which could made me even happier in that trip.
It was you.
The absence of you just bring depression and a vast amount of pressure.

I stayed up all night, with my roommates, playing.
As we were playing, my mind was all about you.
I was thinking about how to give you a present on your birthday.

I just hope you were there.
I was almost sad when we were back in our rooms.
The thought of you just gave me a large amount of stress.
Which almost made me drop my tears.

I know, everyone hates me.
I even started and try stopping SMS-ing people.
Am I changing?
I hope so. Friday, September 09, 2005 I was in Muar, then to Malacca.
I never looked happy.
----------------------------------------------------
Why?
You weren't around.
Without you, my life is just so sad.

I asked my roommates, whether if they had missed someone.
They said no.
What about me?
I missed you.
A lot, a lot.
The love resembles so much to a river which never stops flowing.

You know, I really love you.
If not, why would I miss you?

There were many things happened.
The tour guide said many things.
What entered into my brain?
You.
Only you.

I just couldn't resist the passion for someone else whom I love so much. Thursday, September 08, 2005 Sad.
Plain sad.
I'll be leaving tomorrow.
----------------------------------------------------
I keep asking myself whether will you be missing me.
The answer which always strike me is no.
You won't.
Given your character, I know you wouldn't.

Will tomorrow be full of fun or sorrows?
I guess it will be sorrows.
The reason behind it is because I won't see you.
The sight of not seeing you results in no success.
I just hope you will be there tomorrow.
But no.
There isn't a chance for you to come anymore.
How sad.

You know, I just hope there will be an event which I can participate, where many people sits, including you, seeing me winning something.
You might just be delighted.
Or proud of me, of course, if there is a possibility of us being together.
However, there isn't a chance.
No.
There isn't.
Not even a chance.

I really appreciate if you were to give me a chance to change.

I am willing to change for you. Wednesday, September 07, 2005 I don't know.
I don't know if I still have the ability to move on.
I am so blur.
Everything seems pitched dark.
----------------------------------------------------
Without you, it really is pitched dark.

Will anyone miss me, during the Malacca trip, or even this holidays?
Including you.
Who will?
No one.
Because I am so stupid.

It is just 2 more mornings before I leave.
Will you think of me?
I am sure you aren't.
Because the hatred within you has not go away.

Perharps I should leave this world so that the hatred will fade away.
I would say everyone hates me.
My face, my characters.
I guess I ain't your friend anymore.

Please, give me a chance.
And I will treasure it, with all my heart.
I will care for you more.
Listen to you.
Protect you from any harm.
But, the chance isn't there.

I just hate myself. Tuesday, September 06, 2005 I feel so bored.
Everyday.
It just seems the same.
----------------------------------------------------
Because without you in my life, I cannot live happily.
No girl has SMS-ed me today.
Maybe I am too irritating.
Yes, I am.
I already heard from somebody I am irritating and troublesome.
That's true, I won't deny.
But what was the cause?
The absence of you.
I just seem to cannot live without you and your smile.

Why was that you had to leave me?
I took you for granted.
I should have treasured you more.
I should have shown you more concern.
All because of my irritation and trouble, I have caused you to be in this plight as well.
I feel so sad.

Please know, that I am forever changed.
After the holidays.
I will stop my irritation, and troubles.
I will just shut my mouth, unless somebody talks to me.
If you talk to me, I will just happily answer you.

I just want you to know, I will, miss you, a lot, during the Malacca trip. Monday, September 05, 2005 Everything seems dull.
I can already sense something.
----------------------------------------------------
An old friend of mine added you to a conversation.
He left.
Except us.
You closed the window.
I followed suit.
Later on, you '??', asking about what happened.
I told you that it was that guy's plan.
You then said, you don't want to know.

What was that supposed to mean?
By that sentence, I can already sense some hatred in you.
You hate me.
And I know, you might have despise me.
I just don't understand why do you hate me.
I had done something wrong.
Since the matter has been so long, why not let it rest?

I just hope you can forgive me, and levy the hatred within you.
However, I know all these wouldn't happen.
The feelings for you might have faded.
And I am coming to a decision right now.
Can't you give me a chance to turn afresh?

If you are willing to give me a chance to turn over a new leaf, please, put a yellow ribbon, on your pencil box.
Or at least, put it somewhere which is visible to me.
To show that the second prison within me, has been opened. Sunday, September 04, 2005 I am so disappointed.
Everyone just seem to betray me.
Almost everyone.
They just seem to let out the secrets that no one except he/she knows.
I just don't know what was their motive.
----------------------------------------------------
I have been carrying the torch for you for many months.
And you have been touched, for just about one month.
As the time passes by, my mood sank deeper and deeper.

I asked many people whether you hated me or not.
Many people said no.
I got my primary school friend to ask you the same question.
What was the answer?
It was a yes.
That just left a fathomless impact in my heart.
I didn't know you had such hatred on me.
I don't know what to do.

Should I just keep on loving you or to move on?
I don't know.
You would be the most perfect person to tell me that.
Unfortunately, I know you wouldn't.
Because you will never ever visit this blog ever again ever since that incident.

I really regretted that incident.
I shouldn't have told anybody about that.
All I just hope is that the hatred in your heart will stop.
----------------------------------------------------
I am sure in this Malacca trip, you wouldn't miss me at all.
I am so sure. Saturday, September 03, 2005 I am so dead.
My report slip.
I'm dead.
I failed Chinese.
----------------------------------------------------
While you shone highly in Chinese.
You just had the limelight.
What about me?
No one practically asks me about my marks.
Not even you.
I had already expected you not asking me.

But there was something which I didn't expect.
During English lesson, I was 'cracking jokes' with the person who was sitting beside you.
You released a little giggle.
I wonder if it was my joke which made you laugh.
But that smile sure made me happy.

I would love to see you smiling.
The smile warms my heart.
The passion for you, will not be easily distinguished.
The flame will be kept burning.

You might be rejoicing at home now.
While me, sulking at home, thinking about you.
I just cannot stop thinking about you. Friday, September 02, 2005 I can't believe it myself.
I just can't.
I wonder.
----------------------------------------------------
I wonder if you had a feeling for the one who sat beside you.
I don't know.
I just had a feeling.
The way you talk to him.
Almost identical to the time when you used to talk to me.

I just miss your laughter and your smile.
I just hope you will talk to me.
You know, I would say I cannot live without your smile, your SMS.
I live till today, because I still have the memories of your smiles.
But the SMS, they are all gone.
And cannot be retrieved.

You only used your phone when you had outings.
That made me so hurt.
The most hurtful thing is, when you talk to guys.
You almost talk to every single guy everyday.
Except me.
I am one of the most with the least communication with you.
I regret.
I regret that I didn't spent enough time with you.
Providing with what you want.
Happiness.
I just regretted that. Thursday, September 01, 2005 Today just seem to be full of dull colours.
I wasn't much happy.
But, someone else is so happy.
----------------------------------------------------
You.
You were so happy.
You even held on the the person's chair who sat beside you.
That made me felt jealousy.
You know, I am happy to see you happy.

I'm leaving for Malaysia, in about 8 days.
I am sure I am going to miss you.
A lot a lot.
Like we used to miss each other during the March holidays.
Sadly, the feeling isn't going to come back.
Everything will be so different.

If you were to give me a pair of wings, I will want to soar up to the sky.
With you.
I wonder if you will still have that mutual feeling with me.
I guess not.
Everything changes.
I cannot guarantee the love for you will last forever.
But at least, I know the love for you will last now.
If I had a wish, I would love to be with you, for eternity.
That will not come true.
That is just the wishful part thinking of me.

You know, everything isn't going to come back.
I still wonder if I should give you up and go for another girl.
But it is really hard to forget you.
I don't know. Wednesday, August 31, 2005 The next few days are going to be not fine at all.
My report slip and stuff.
I'm so dead.
----------------------------------------------------
You returned back to school.
I was so glad.
What's more, you talked to me.
Asking me about the oral examination topic.
I told you the topic with a touch of contentment right from my heart.
You had this sweet voice.
Although you much of it today, my brain and heart processed it to become a very sweet voice, which used to come out from my handphone.

A smile can bring you near to me.
Please don't let me find you are gone, which will bring a tear to me.
It's only words, and words are only all I have, to take your heart away.
An extract from a song, Words, by The Bee Gees.

How I wish I cam play this song, on guitar.
So that you will be impressed.
I know, you had a bad impression on me last time, now, and even in the near future.
It is just so typical me.
The imbecile one.

Look, who tags at my tag-board?
Only some old friends.
What about you?
I was expecting you to tag.
But unfortunately, no.
I just know, you won't. Tuesday, August 30, 2005 I was like, dull.
Though I appeared cheerful.
----------------------------------------------------
You weren't in school today.
You made me so worried.
Wild thoughts just ran wildly like a cheetah chasing a zebra.
I just kept thinking what happened to you.
Were you sick?
Piano exams?

I was told that you had sore throat and stuff.
My heart sank.
I was terribly worried.
WIll you get better tomorrow?
I hope so.
As long you got a little better, my heart will rest.

During school time, I worried until I was like, half-dead.
Thinking about what to do.
I really care for you.
You just let me worry.

I am going for the Malacca trip.
I remembered when we SMS-ed.
You just didn't seem to care about the cost.
You just cared about SMS-ing me.
And I appareciate greatly for that.
Lastly, I love you. Monday, August 29, 2005 The past.
Has all faded away.
Friends slowly fade away too.
----------------------------------------------------
Is everybody leaving me?
Especially you.
I cannot afford to lose you.
Now, our friendship has all gone.

I had this mutual affection for you.
Which cannot be forgotten.
Nor it can be replaced.
I really miss you so much.
Your SMS, your voice, your laughter, last but not least,
Your smile.
I just cannot forget it.
You told me you won't leave me.
But in the end, you did.

How could this happen to me?
Why did this happen to me?
Have you already planned to leave me?
I hope not.
There was used to be something between us, which cannot be separated by almost anything.
That particular thing is love.
And I hope it will come back again. Sunday, August 28, 2005 Since yesterday, the memories just never stops flowing.
There are many things which I can't forget.

There are so many things for me to settle.
Teachers' Day card, Teachers' Day at old school and all the crappy stuff which is happening.
I am so confused.
I just hope you were by my side, to calm me down.
----------------------------------------------------
I feel that, without you, the world is just so black.
I kept thinking about the reason of you ignoring me.
Since you hate me, why not you just scold me?
You know, your ignorance to me makes me so worry and sad.
I cannot let my heart rest.
I cannot.

My heart just seems to be fated to lie with you.
I know, worda are just words.
There aren't much meaning.

I remembered I told you I might not give you a birthday present.
Come to think of it, I feel stupid.
I promise, I will give you a present.
Currently, I am still thinking of how to give you the present.
Should I write a message on it?
Most probably I will. Saturday, August 27, 2005 We had soccer in the field during NCC.
Memories just start to fall upon me.
----------------------------------------------------
I remembered the time I stayed back for soccer playing with my Sec 4 friends.
You sent me SMS, saying to go home early.
That was just so sweet of you.
I still remember the messages.
All I know is that, the feeling and those nice messages aren't coming back at all.
They are gone.
Forever, I would say.

You aren't coming back to my side.
Never.
During English lesson, you turned around to ask the one sitting beside me whether he had the comprehension worksheet.
I was just so disappointed.
Why can't I just get the attention?
You know, it's really hard to not love you.

Today's NCC was just so dull.
Even though we had some fun.
There were girls of course, looking at us.
How much I hope it was you to be there, looking at us.
But I know, It isn't going to happen.
It was just my wishful part of thinking.
How stupid of me.
Why am I so stupid?

We had to write a Chinese composition about one person whom we hate.
You know who I wrote?
Me.
I guessed you must have hated me, and you would writing all my bad points.
I really wanted to write about how was I a heart-breaker.
And how I broke your heart.
How stupid I am.

I keep thinking about you. Friday, August 26, 2005 I hate myself.
I am so imbecile.
Stupid me.
Idiotic me.
----------------------------------------------------
You topped the class for Math this test.
What about me?
I lagged behind.
Why am I so stupid?
How could I be.
There are many things I wanted to prove to you.
Such as my idiotic talents.
I learn them because of you.
Practically you won't get to see my stupid talents because there are so ugly until everyone doesn't even want to see.

You know, I really hope that I get loved once more.
Especially you.
I just need love and attention from you.
I know love isn't possible between us.
But what about attention?
Is it so difficult?

I had never talked to a girl for such a long time in the dead night.
It was you.
To give me the courage to do so.
Weren't you used to be extremely happy?
It might be.
But you just seem to be much happier now.
I just can't figure out why.
Probably without me in your life, you are much happier and not so stressed. Thursday, August 25, 2005 Disappointed.
The whole day is just so stressed.
Either I didn't sign some crappy thing, or I didn't being some funny stuff.
----------------------------------------------------
Why am I disappointed?
I realised you changed your earrings to ear sticks.
I was unsure whether it was my friend's.
I suppose it's his.
You know, I love the way you are.

I might just know the reason why the 'broke up' was initiated.
You might had loved me for the way I was.
Probably I just changed too much.
I remembered you telling me I was too good to you.
Wasn't that good?
I really missed the days we called each other.
Now, 101 days passed.
I really don't know what to do now.
Should I just send you a SMS, which you might be waiting as well?
Or should I just do something?

For now, all I wish is to be with you.
I don't need anything.
I just need you and your love.

I am just so stupid.
I can't ecen solve an easy Math sum.
How stupid can I go?
You know, when I asked your close friend about you, she just simply didn't give me an answer.
You see, there are many people caring for me.
Is there for me?
Probably some girls or guys who give sympathy to me.
The word is sympathy.
They might think I am just so pitiful, that's why I need the sympathy.
But what I really need is you and your love. Wednesday, August 24, 2005 I can't even find a person to chat with me.
It seems like everyone hates me.
Does everyone of you really hate me?
----------------------------------------------------
The best experience of being in a relationship was with you.
It was unforgettable.
For you, I took up fine arts.
Now, I don't know what to handle.
I just seem to be in a big maze.

As my improvised poem goes,
' I seem to be in a maze,
Where my face is in a daze.
I picture you in the sky,
As my tears fill the cry. '

I know, it might seem tacky.
It can said to be an express of love to you.
It is hard to express love to a person verbally.
Especially you.
You were the shy type.
You were the epitome I have ever looked in another person.

My friend produced good art.
Unlike me, produced such tacky art.
What's more, its for you.
I am such a failure.
Everybody is so sick of telling me off and advising.

I am even so sick of myself. Tuesday, August 23, 2005 Memories just flow over and over again.
I just can't seem to forget.
----------------------------------------------------
Everytime I hear your name, my whole spirit was lifted up.
Your smile.
Is something which I cannot forget till date.
I keep pushing myself to learn new guitar tabs.
What was the purpose?
To attract attention, especially yours.
It has been donkey years since I received your message.

3rd of May, was one of the most unforgettable days which I didn't want it to happen.
Although I cannot recall what happened on that day, I know something undesirable happened.
I just remembered you told me you tore the art I gave you.
That was just so heart-breaking.
I don't know how long can I go further.

Even you aren't going to that Malaysia trip.
Do you think I still have the mood to go?
I remembered the telephone there.
I wanted to give you a call, but, they were all spoilt.

I have lied to you umpteen times.
It is because I love you too much, I didn't want you to be hurt.
I just wanted to share my feelings with others.
You just didn't wanted to.
I should have known.
My big mouth and stuff.
I will keep my mouth shut.
Especially the things you told me.

There are many things which I cannot forget.
The things you told me, your smile and your very clear, sweet voice albeit travelled over few kilometres. Monday, August 22, 2005 I was thinking about the past.
The past where sadness ended.
----------------------------------------------------
The past when you came into my life.
The past when happiness begun.
Not long after, the happiness ended.
Moments just kept recurring in my mind.

I just can't seem to forget you.
I started so many things because of you.
Guitar, crappy drawings and this blog.

I haven longing to have attention, especially yours.
You just seem to turn a cold shoulder to me.
Maybe I should have stayed at home, playing guitar all day long.

There is one thing I want to do by the end of this year, I hope.
To create a song.
About you and I.
Or at least, play another song.
Or at the very very least, play well at Fine Day.

All I just need is your attention and I am very glad.
I don't know whether if you were taking glances at me.
There are many pretty girls for me to choose.
But I don't want any.
I just want you.
You just mean so much in my life.

People who gave me advices, I turned a deaf ear to them.
But should you tag, I will just listen to you.
I will stare at the tag.
Even it takes years for it to load.
I will wait.
I am willing to. Sunday, August 21, 2005 Today seems nothing.
Had collect newspaper and stuff.
Something happened.
----------------------------------------------------
I was standing.
And you came in front of me, gave me a knock.
Not deliberately I'm sure.
That knock had seem to become a touch.
I suddenly felt so happy.
For a moment.

After dismissal, I saw you for awhile.
Later on, when I don't get to see you.
Every colour start fading.
I had just realised I cannot forget you.
Nor to let you go.
I had just wished you are by my side.

I cannot believe I kept thinking about you.
You look so pretty.
Whatever you wore, you just look nice.

Today, I just can't resist the temptation to take more glimpses of you.
I saw you, with your handphone once again.
Your close friend just told me you don't use your handphone.
But am I seeing things today?
Does today's event explain everything?

I hope not.
Because I have lost you.
And the trust in you.
Not to mention the love and passion in you. Saturday, August 20, 2005 Should I be happy or sad?
I am so confused.
----------------------------------------------------
Before English lesson starts, people were giving out newspapers.
There was an extra copy in our row.
You kept the extra copy in between of my partner's copy.
I laughed.
You laughed too.

At that moment of time, I suddenly felt a touch of happiness in my heart.
I realised how much you mean to me.
Without you, I feel so lonely.

Everyday you seem to be so happy all the time.
Should I be happy for you?
Or should I not?
I'm so stupid.
I don't know.
I can't be decisive.
I am so useless.
I can't be compared to you.
You are so intelligent,
beautiful,
and positive.

Which point can I be compared to you?
Nothing.
I suddenly feel that I cannot be compared with you. Friday, August 19, 2005 I feel so sad.
I know I cannot remain in the top 10.
I am so dead.
----------------------------------------------------
You were on the same bus as I boarded.
Again, you were with your friend.
When I came close to the stairs, you let off a smile of your face.
The smile just reached my heart, which then produced warmth.
But then again, the light, it wasn't there.
I am lost in the darkness.

There is a Malacca and Muar field trip during the holidays.
I wonder will you be there.
I guess not.

Everything just seems to be an illusion.
I have lost you.
I really appreciate the times you spent with me.
The happiness you radiated to me was just indescribable.

Tomorrow is another NCC day.
I hope you will stay back and see us.
However, I am almost used to it.
You don't stay back for funny reasons.
I know you practically stay back for doing projects or having your CCA.
You were really a great girl but I didn't appreciate.
How useless I am.

I will treasure you with care, concern and love should I have the chance again. Thursday, August 18, 2005 It seems to me like everyone hates me.
I don't know why.
It seems either I communicate less or the people around me communicate less.
----------------------------------------------------
Rest assured I will change some attitude towards everybody.
Less vulgarities, cursing, shouting at people, laughing at people.
I will.

I hope that once I change a better attitude to you, you will communicate with me.
Currently, I don't think that is going to happen.
Everytime I see your face, the power of the lighthouse seems to be back.
But again, I realise I was in a dream.
The boat just keeps floating in the ocean.
Which doesn't seems to have radio or any sign of communication.
Even the lighthouse, doesn't provide any light anymore.
I don't know whether to try and make the radio work.

The ship just floats.
No fuel.
No communication.
There isn't the power to go on any further.
Everything seems so pitched-dark.

The face if you just let me reminisce the precious moments spent with you.
Living in the world of darkness,
I await for the lighthouse to be lighted up again once more. Wednesday, August 17, 2005 I failed my Chinese.
Whatever.
No one asks.
No one care.
No one concerns.
Who is his/her good condition of mental health will ask me how much I scored?
----------------------------------------------------
No one.
You didn't ask for my marks.
Perharps mine are too lousy.
I just suck at exams.

When I got back from dinner, I past by your primary school.
More thoughts of you just came through my mind.
Recurring moments of happiness you had just flowed through my mind.

You boarded the bus.
With your good friends and stuff.
When I was about to walk up the stairs, your friend told me that I should not go up because you were there.
I just didn't want you to see me.
I'm too shameless to face you.
I have no right to care for you, take even a glimpse of you.
Not to mention talking to you. Tuesday, August 16, 2005 I feel stressed.
So stressed that I feel like dying.
----------------------------------------------------
I see you so happy everyday.
Even though you are being bullied.
I wanted to protect you.
But I don't even stand a chance.
I'm too useless I guess.

Almost everyday, I SMS the same people.
I hope for a change.
Of course, how much I hope is you who is going to SMS me.
But the possiblities are so small.

Although it has been 92 days, I still await your SMS.
Even in my homework, I mention your name.
I know there are some things which aren't meant to be.
But, who hopes his/her life is unmeaningful?

You just seem taking a step away from me day by day.
I remember the times we sat near each other almost every single day in the canteen.
What about now?
It has all changed.
The times of moments with a magnificient girl has all gone.
My dreams has all gone.
It seems to me I have no dreams at all.

You seem to be playing MapleStory everyday, I don't have any inkling though.
And I am here, looking for new games.
What do I actually want?
Attention from you.
The concern.
But, the whole day you seem to be talking about those games.
I just feel so sad.
So depressed.

It all seems like everyone hates me. Monday, August 15, 2005 I was online the whole day.
Why?
I was wishing for people to talk to me.
----------------------------------------------------
Especially you.
Should I just let you go?
Or should I stick to you like a stain in a wok?
I really don't know.
I'm in a big maze.
I will SMS you once I get all the information I need.
For the time being, I want to try.
Unlike times before, I don't even dare to try.
I really wonder if you are angry at me.
That explains my timidity.
I really cannot face you.
I have no idea.

You seem to be ignoring me.
You just seem to be angry to me.
I don't know.
I really don't know.
I am really confused.
All I can think is you.

I hope I receive a reply if I SMS you. Sunday, August 14, 2005 Everything just goes down.
Everything.
I'm only left with my family and friends.
----------------------------------------------------
What about you?
I lost you.
Forever and ever.
Are we still friends?
I guess not.
I want to let you know my love for you.
But do I stand a chance?
I don't.
Nothing will change.
Nothing.

Even if I move my hands and mouth, will you stand to listen to me?
I suppose I know your character good enough.
You might just leave.
I know, I am so timid.
It takes a lot of courage to take up a lot of courage.
I just can't.
I am so useless.

I just wished you take glimpses of me.
But it won't happen anymore.
I know it won't.
I just wish I have the courage to talk to you again. Saturday, August 13, 2005 I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
----------------------------------------------------
I am utterly disappointed and heartbroken.
I don't know whether I can go on with my life.
You tagged in your close friend's blog.
Why didn't you tagged mine?
The link was there.
I guess you just didn't want to tag or even take a glimpse at this blog.

You had three chat logs recorded in my computer.
Three.
Which seems to be the one whom I talk to the most.

I remembered the time when I asked you for your e-mail address during Science lesson.
The paper still remain.
Your nice handwriting is still there.
It is hard to forget you.

There was once I touched your hand.
The feeling, just cannot disappear from my mind.

Now, its all different.
You used to take a lot of glimpses at me.
We used to talk a lot on the phone till last night including weekdays.
But now it has all gone.

You just keep floating in my brain.
I cannot forget you.
I won't nor I will attempt to. Friday, August 12, 2005 I can't even learn a proper song.
How useless I am.
I only know 1 song.
Just one.
Why am I so useless?
----------------------------------------------------
I wish to leave this world so that you will be happier than you currently are.
I know, I might not stand a chance of playing it to you anymore.
People might think why am I so stupid.
Yes, I am stupid.
Hence, I am doing stupid things.
Probably now, you don't even care about me.
Not even my existence.
Your close friend told me my face is disgusting.
I won't deny the fact.

During the past, people chattering around us saying you and I were compatible.
But what about now?
I am just in a lonely mood.
I don't know what to do.
I have no plans.
All I could think is you.

I tried playing a good piece of Fine Day on guitar.
But I just can't.
As I promised many times, I will practise Fine Day till I can even close my eyes playing it.

I await this day which will come, where you will be listening to the melodious music of Fine Day, and I will be sitting, playing blindly, as you slowly enjoy it. Thursday, August 11, 2005 Why am I so stupid?
How can I be so stupid?
I can't even learn guitar properly.
What's on my mind?
----------------------------------------------------
You.
You were on my mind.
I only took a sojourn in your life.
I was forced to check out in your life.
I didn't pay happiness to you.
I am so useless.
I can't even provide you with happiness.

I haven't been producing any art many weeks.
All because of a factor.
I've been waiting for your SMS.
Since how long?
87 days.
4 more days to make it 13 weeks.

I saw you with your handphone on 2 days.
I can't believe my eyes.
I just can't believe it.
Are you avoiding me?
I have no idea. Wednesday, August 10, 2005 I cannot stand anymore.
I just have to say it out.
Those people tagging my blog, use better grammar.
Insulting people without using good grammar only gives you embarrassment.
----------------------------------------------------
I know, I have been such a dumbass.
I can't be compared to you.
You are so gentle,
beautiful.
I can't take my eyes off you.
The memories of you flow my mind never stopping just like the time.
It never stops.
I have been so stupid.
Maybe I shouldn't be part of your life in the past, now and future.
I brought to you a great burden.
I brought you the sad memories.
Only your friends bring you the best.
What about me?
I provided nothing since we were together.
For instance, happiness.
Did I provide some great happiness for you?
I didn't.
How useless I am.
I am such a failure. Tuesday, August 09, 2005 I'm so blur.
I don't know whether to be glad or depressed.
They just come in together.
----------------------------------------------------
I got the guitar.
Come to think of it, so what.
I can't play it to you for you to listen.

I don't know whether should I give you up or not.
On one hand, I can't bear to hurt you anymore. [Perharps you aren't.]
On the other, I can't bear to leave you.
I really hate myself.
For being not decisive.
For being imbecile.

I can't even win a girl's heart.
How stupid I am.
Why?
Why the chance have not arrived?

When we had the trail early today, you said you didn't have the brochure/map.
I gave to you.
But you returned it.
I saw you with your handphone.
Again.
Was that a hint a touch of hatred?
Or something else?
I just can't figure out. Monday, August 08, 2005 There are many things which kept appearing in my head.
It was like, a very big lump growing on my head.
Should I be really happy or not?
The guitar's coming in tomorrow.
Tomorrow I get to see you again.
----------------------------------------------------
I will be so delighted in my heart to see you.
But I wonder, once you see me, will you be sad, happy or furious?
I'm sure you won't be happy.
I look so repugnant.
But you look just so beautiful.

I hate myself so much.
I can't let you go.
You just kept appearing in my mind.
It had been donkey years since you SMS-ed me.
Should I SMS you?
I really don't know what to do.
Even my brain, mind can't tell me what to do.
I can't be decisive these past few months.

I am so desperate.
I'm going to be just so negative these few years.
----------------------------------------------------Oh yes, I despise most short-fuds.
As long they are shorter than me.
As long they have some nice outer looks, I won't despise.
I have no idea what sense am I saying. Sunday, August 07, 2005 Alas, bought 2 picks today.
I'll make sure I try to finish my homework by tomorrow.
----------------------------------------------------
When I was at the mall, as usual, I took out my phone every few minutes.
I waited.
I thought something will happen after 83 days.
Are you waiting for me to take initiative?
I never taken initiative since the day you told me not to SMS you.
I was afraid that you are going to be scolded and such.

Just 2 more days.
2 more days till the guitar comes.
I await the day, where I can have a chance to play the guitar to you.
----------------------------------------------------
I don't understand why people have to quarrel at my blog.
Since you people like to quarrel, quarrel some other place.
The tag-board is specially made for her to tag because I await one day for her to tag.
I made this blog because of her.
If you people prefer to quarrel, please leave.
As for anonymous taggers, I urge you all to tag with your real names.
I really dislike anoymous taggers.
I appreciate for people who leave their blog sites, e-Mail addresses and name.
----------------------------------------------------
Last but not least, I still await for you to tag. Saturday, August 06, 2005 2 homework to be done.
There are 5 days to finish it.
Should I push it to the last 2-3 days?
Or should I do first?
----------------------------------------------------
Well, whether I had finish my homwork or not, I will still think of you.
You are on my mind, always.

I wonder if I can go to Yamaha or any music stores.
They sell guitar picks.
Should I buy it, I stand a chance or playing guitar to you.
Properly.

What will a computer happen when it doesn't have any power cord?
Nothing will run smoothly.
What happens when a guy doesn't have a girl of his choice?
Literally nothing runs smoothly as well.

This is what happens when I don't have you around.
I don't have your attention.

During today's English lesson, I was told to stand.
You turned back and looked at me.
Out of the blue, I felt a sudden feeling I must answer the teacher that she posted.
Then I realised, it was you who gave me the power to answer, to go on with my life. Friday, August 05, 2005 Common test finished.
I don't even deserve a rest.
I must learn my guitar well because the guitar's scheduled to come on Monday.
----------------------------------------------------
Should I go on fighting and protecting you?
You seem to being bullied most of the time.
I am so stupid.
I can't even protect you.
I wished I can have all the right to protect you.
Unfortunately, I don't think you nor anyone else will give me this chance.

I feel too ashamed to look at you.
I feel, I don't have the right to look at you.
I made you lose all the trust in you.

My big mouth.
It is all my fault.
I wished I can have a chance to get back all the trust.
I know, the chance will never come.
Either it comes, or I didn't treasure.

Literally there are many girls out there.
But do they have an affection for me?
Apparently, no.
You might had feelings for me in the past.
What about now?
I had a great affection or so called obsession for you, but it doesn't come vice versa.

You didn't commit to me.
But I can feel the commitment, just the feeling.
Graduately I find, it was all a dream. Thursday, August 04, 2005 I can't stimulate any cells which I study.
I just can't think of anything.
All I can think is you.
----------------------------------------------------
You were online these exams days.
Were you hinting me?
Or is it just coincidence?

I seem to be in a maze,
Where my face is in a daze.
I picture you in the sky,
As my tears fill the cry.

An improvised poem.
Which I thought it will be a little funny.

It has been 80 days.
I don't think you will ever come here.
Maybe you think there is practically no reason for you to come here.
You might not give a care about me anymore.
Studies is your primary concern.
Where do I stand?
Somewhere in the last.
I can see you are avoiding me.
I just can't let it go on anymore.
I just wished something in my life had changed. Wednesday, August 03, 2005 The guitar's coming.
Should I be happy or not?
I really have no idea.
----------------------------------------------------
I won't blame you if you are going to hate me.
It's because of me.
I let you down.
Even I despise on myself, my selfishness, my stupidity.
I really don't know what to do.

Now, I'm going to have a guitar.
But what can I do about it?
Strum it for you?
I have no chance to do so.

When I was with you, you let me forget about the past.
You will let me think of the future, with you.
Now that you are gone, you made me treasure the loss of you more.
Whenever I see you in class, you let me reminisce the time with you.
Now, I am just so remorseful.
I just feel that I am left out, being alone in the cold. Tuesday, August 02, 2005 I just can't believe I am so stupid.
I can't even memorise a easy formula.
Tomorrow's Common Test.
Yet, I can't take any initiative to study.
----------------------------------------------------
I just heard from someone, that you just commented on something about me.
Which is so undesirable.
Which hurt me so fathomlessly.
That words just struck me.
I am so helpless.
I can't do anything.

Why has things reached so fast to the extreme?
Everytime its the exam season.

I really have no idea whether to really give you up or what.

Ever since you walked away, you left my life in disarray,
All I need is one more day, All I need is one more day with you.

There isn't anymore days left.
Everything just looked so dull.
The colours faded.
There's nothing I can do to paint back the colours.
Only you can paint back the colours.
Unfortunately, there isn't a chance now.
I just wished I had left this world. Monday, August 01, 2005 I am stuck with homework.
I was slacking and stuff.
----------------------------------------------------
I hoped you came online.
But you never did.
I'm sure you are studying at home.

What am I doing?
I'm still fatuated with you.

We might not have departed for our own ways if one person had kept her mouth shut.
Still, its all my fault.
I should not have told her about us.
Such a nincompoop I am.
You are now a nine days' wonder that almost the whole level knows you are dainty.
It took them some time before they know you are appealing.
It took me almost a few milli-seconds that you are such a dreamboat.

At 8:38pm, you came online.
I was shell-shocked.
I didn't know what to say.
I didn't know what to do.
It just seems like everything is frozen.

I am just so crazy about you.

The way you look, smile, it all appeals to my senses.

The memories, I just hope it will keep on flowing non-stop... Sunday, July 31, 2005 I went to my mum's friend's house and stuff.
I kept thinking.
Thinking deeply about you.
----------------------------------------------------
When it was almost late at night, I kept helding on to my handphone.
Because I await for your SMS.
I'm not ready to let you go.
But it will be soon.

Now, even our relationships as friends, is gone.
Every single day, I take at least a glimpse of you before my heart can rest.
At times, when I wonder if you are looking at my direction, I tend to look away in another direction to avoid eye contact.
I couldn't pick up the courage to face you.
I am so timid.
So stupid.

Yes, I am cheap.
I am a pathetic fool.
But is anyone going to care?
I think not. Sunday, July 31, 2005 I am so lethargic today.
After all that tough training in NCC, I'm half-dead.

Tomorrow is going to be a rush day.
Attending someone's birthday party and stuff.
I had to even do my projects and homework there although I expect some guitar lessons and fun.
----------------------------------------------------
I did some slides for the Mock Elections.
Your face were in two photos.
It somehow took me sometime that you are that resplendent in photos but I prefer you in reality.

You debated with my closest friend who sits beside you during our form teacher's class.
He said I was handsome.
[Would someone just get me a dustbin?]
Both you and I said the girl in 1E6 is pretty.
[Please, call a rubbish truck.]

The 'creme de la creme' of my life is being with you.
But, all these belongs to the past.
As I said, there is literally nothing I can do to salvage this situation.
You avoided me.

I'm going deeper and deeper everyday. Friday, July 29, 2005 Tomorrow is going to be a busy day.
NCC, homework, projects, planning and stuff.
God, when are my good days coming?
----------------------------------------------------
Your wish might be want us to be just friends.
I wanted to iron things out with you.
But it ended up futile.
Although we aren't really fated to be together, I hope at least we are the best of friends.
You didn't reply me.
When I told you it was alright for you to ignore me, you just closed the window.
That totally saddens me.

I have already took one step back, what else do you want me to do?
Please, tell me what I can change.
I really wish to be with you.
But I have came to a conclusion its quite okay for me to not get into relationship.
You know, the SMS which lasted for 74 days still have not come.

I just suddenly feel so lonely in this world.

It seems to me everyone is taking more than a step away from me. Thursday, July 28, 2005 I hate being a monitor.
I know, many people hate me as well.
----------------------------------------------------
We stayed back for the CIP programme.
When it was your shift, one friend of ours, told me that you didn't like me being a monitor.
I thought to myself, 'Do you hate me? or you hate me as a monitor?'.
I really cannot come to a conclusion.

When it was my shift, you stayed back till our shift ended.
I have no inkling why you're staying back.
I just hope you stayed back all because of me.
But sadly, I have thoughts that you did not stayed back because of me.
It might be one of your best friends.

I am too timid.
I couldn't even take the courage to talk to you online, not to mention to talk verbally.
I am such a failure.

Should I really stop loving you?
Or should I go on loving you.
I'm in a total loss.
I really cannot bear to lose you anymore.
Should I lose you, I have nothing left in the world.

I really want to have a chance to cherish you. Wednesday, July 27, 2005 I hate myself.
I am so stupid.
----------------------------------------------------
You changed your earrings yesterday.
You may think that I never notice.
Well, I can sense that you somehow dislike me.

When its time for home,
You boarded at the stop before me.
You were upstairs sitting near the steps.
When I went up, you told your friend, 'I told you not to board this bus' ; in Chinese.
Those words struck me, as thoughts just fill up my brain.

You know, if I'm happy but you aren't,
I would rather be sad than see you being sad.
I still remember that time when you wrote numbers on my hand.
You gently fingered my hand with your feminine touch.
The feeling of you touching is just so nice.
That feeling is not going to come back.

I tried retrieving back the feeling.
It ended up futile.
I had no idea what I was today.
I couldn't stop taking glances at you at any point of time wherever you went.
I really wish we could be together.
Again or not, it doesn't matter anymore.
I won't seek any funny stuff for love.
I just hope I can have the chance of being treating you good.

There was once you told me I'm treating you too good.
Isn't it good to be treated good?
I had never become so lovesick over a girl.
I couldn't give you up.
You were floating in my eyes, mind and heart.
If there is something you would wish I can change, I just hope you will pin-point it out so that I can change to become a better person.

The circle of trust, has been all destroyed by me.
I know, I will not have a chance to have the feeling of being touched by you anymore.
I regret too much.

I will treasure you from now on, whatever you become. Tuesday, July 26, 2005 As usual, boring day.
Tomorrow will be a busy day.
But still, a day without colours.
----------------------------------------------------
I took the guitar, strummed hard, practised hard.
All because of you.
You stayed back today.
I don't even know.
Besides, you won't tell me even if I ask.

I just hope the time can go back.
To the time where you were the happiest.
Where nary a cloud in sight.
Just the sun shining brightly.
Scorching sun melts all ice-cream
Melting it all, leaving nothing but a puddle of melted ice-cream,
Which cannot be salvaged anymore.

It may be a poem.
I have no idea.
If you think it is, I would like to dedicate it to you.
I know, I'm untalented.
Full of naive ideas with violence.
However, I still hold that dream which its not going to come true anymore. Monday, July 25, 2005 Tomorrow school restarts.
Position of being a monitor and the AV representative starts.
I dislike positions in school.
They always have positions.
----------------------------------------------------
I was out again.
I was again thinking about you.
I saw guitars.
Pictures of you started to flood my mind.
They just keep on coming.
Guitars let me think of you.
Why?
I promised I will learn my guitar well to let you at least listen to it.

I almost take out my phone every few minutes.
Why?
I was just wishing for a SMS which I have been waiting for the past 70 days.
No SMS up till now.
It is just so disappointing.

It's all because of the stupid mistake my big mouth has caused.

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF ME.

Such an imbecile, bird-brained neanderthal who have a fathomless hole in my cranium I am. Sunday, July 24, 2005 I went out the whole freaky day.
Walked down the boring Bugis Street.
----------------------------------------------------
I went to the Kwan Im Hood Thong Temple.
I was thinking about you, you and you.
Just you.
I prayed, hoping you would be by my side.
I know, it won't work.
It is just the immature side of me.

When I was out, there were many girls.
I told myself not to even take a glimpse at them.
Something races across my train of thoughts.
It was you.

I have been too imbecile these months.
You know, I have been so incomplete.

Everytime when our form teacher's lesson starts, you will sit beside to my closest friend.
You will interact with him and he does too.
How lucky of him.
I don't even get a chance to interact with you.
I just wished you would tell me who you 'admire'.
I think he is much more attractive than I am.
He is well-liked as well.
Unlike me.
The most irritating guy in the class. Saturday, July 23, 2005 Today had the NCC POP parade.
Nothing much.
At the same time, there was some kind of leadership course.
I did not go.
Who cares.
----------------------------------------------------
During NCC, I really kept thinking about you.
Wondering how would the day be if you were there to take even a glimpse of the parade.
It has been donkey years since you came here.

Before the commencement of the English lesson, I was giving out dates of common test paper.
After I gave you the paper, you somehow walked around, before starting to hit someone head-to-head.
I felt a pain in my heart.
There was practically nothing I can do to assauge the situation.

During class, I glanced at the teacher.
The ennui in my seemed to have settled in my very bones.
Nothing can be more appealing than you.

I remembered the day when I missed out the fall-in of NCC.
My mum picked me up in school and drove through the back gate.
I saw you.
I was thinking to myself, ' Is that why I don't see you in the bus stop I used to board at?'.
I finally came to a conclusion.
You are avoiding me.
Everyone is avoiding me.
Why?
I am too irritating, imbecile to understand things and I'm too lovesick.

I'm so in love with you. Friday, July 22, 2005 Being appointed as the monitor.
It's a hair-tearing job.
God, every now and then I had to do some weird jobs.
----------------------------------------------------
I wished you were the first one to know that I become the monitor.
Was I given a chance?
Maybe you have already heard it.
But you weren't the first.

Everyday, I'm either coughing away, or I'm sneezing away.
But in my heart and mind, it was you floating around.
I hope I can bring a guitar, so that I can play it to you.
Everyday is just so dull.
As somebody said, fill the world with colours.
Did I had a chance?
Somebody suggested that bring the guitar to school and play it so that people will appreciate.

You were online, I really wished I had a chance to talk to you.
I didn't had the courage to do so.
I am just too timid, stupid and blur.

I might not be the best of the guys you can find in the world.
I might not provide you with the happiest elation.
I can ensure that I will be a faithful guy to you.
----------------------------------------------------
The ice-cream melted all too fast.
There isn't enough time to salvage all the ice-cream. Thursday, July 21, 2005 Missed the fall-in of NCC and stuff.
How stupid of me to even forget such stuff.
There was something which is more important than NCC.
What/Who was it?
----------------------------------------------------
It was you.
As usual, you were deep in my thoughts.

The passion you gave me, made me loved you.
It made me give up my current life, and start afresh with you.
I really wanted to.
But the chance just faded slowly.

Everything is just going just so fast.
But the passion from me to you, remains the same.

Everyday in the canteen, you seem to avoid me.
You sit further and further from me, almost each day.
Do you really hate me?
Am I that irritating?

I am too stupid as well.
I just, suck. Wednesday, July 20, 2005 I'm going really crazy.
You know, I really hope someone will just SMS me.
But, it won't happen.
It seems to me that I have to take initiative so that I can get attention.
----------------------------------------------------
I'm so crazy about you.
I have been too much of an attention seeker.
I have been too much of a nuisance.
During English lesson, you asked questions to the one who sat beside me and who sat beside you.
I wondered why didn'y you ask me anything.

Am I too irritating?
Or you are shy?
I kept thinking all day long.

It has been 65 days.
How long more is it going to go?
I'm going worse and worse.
Deeper and deeper.

I'm just sitting here waiting for you.

The only SMS whom I await excitedly. Tuesday, July 19, 2005 Today was totally bored.

Tomorrow is Racial Harmony Day celebration, complusory to wear ethnic costumes.
I'm not wearing, teachers can scold me for all I care.

As for the 'leg-hair' stuff, I have already apologise to her.
You know, I don't want my parents to meet the teacher.
I mean, I'm sure to get scolding and questioning and stuff.
Of course, who will like this kind of stuff?
----------------------------------------------------
You were not in school after P.E. starts.
At first, I don't know where you went.
After collecting some information, I finally know.
The day without you is so dull and bored.
I didn't laugh much.
You were deep in my thoughts.

At home, you were online.
You went offline at around 3:05pm after that.
The alert which appears in my screen, depressed my feelings even more.
I didn't get to see you this whole morning, and now this.

Hope you know how much I care for you.
I'm selfish and evil.
I know, but I'm slowly changing nowadays.
The barbarity I had, is slowly fading off.
And I'm slowly rotting away.
When are you coming?

I really love you. Monday, July 18, 2005 Today was NCC Day Parade.
Kind of bored there.
----------------------------------------------------
All I could think is you.
Despite many ladies there, they can't be compared to the beautiful you.
How much I wish you could be sitting right beside me and I could take out my handphone, and SMS you like before.
But, it's all too late.

I've been yearning for a chance to play guitar in school.
So that I can have some attention from you.
As I said,I know I have been too much of a attention seeker these few months.
Because I really wish that I can have your attention.
Your injuries and bleeding are my concern.
I really hope that I can have a chance to care for you.
It's all too late.

There is practically nothing I can do to retrive back the trust and the sense of security that I have given you.

I swear I will practise my guitar well, so that I may stand a chance to play it to you.
The chances of you may be small, but I hope there really is a chance.

I love you. Sunday, July 17, 2005 Went to Plaza Singapure today.
Bought a pick.
Browsed through guitars, expensive like hell.
----------------------------------------------------
Well, I'm going to get a guitar soon.
I'm going to play it well and not to disappoint you.
I will bring my pick everyday, so that if I had a chance to fiddle with the guitar, I would most probably play Qing Tian with the pick.
Its actually alright without the pick.
I hope I get my guitar as soon as possible.

You know, everytime I take someone's file, I take it as a guitar.
Every single day I think about you.
I think about what will your expression be if I were to play a tune of guitar to you.

Seriously, I sit at my computer, rotting away, waiting for your one single SMS.
I have let you down the past few months.
I really regret that.
How much I wish we could travel back to the time when we were the happiest.
I know, you don't have any feelings to me at all.
I understand.

I just hope you will send me a SMS. Saturday, July 16, 2005 Math trail was today.
No NCC and stuff.

Maybe I should practise my guitar today again.
Because I promised you I would practise my guitar well and hope that one day I would play a tune to you such as Canon in D or Jay's Qing Tian.
----------------------------------------------------
As I said, Math trail was today.
You were in it as well, as well as in our group.
It was so-called lucky.
It was pouring cats and dogs, we had to run to shelter and stuff.
I wondered it was a good thing or not.
We were packed in that shelter, I took a piece of paper and drew.
Somehow I drew in front of you, hoping you would see.
You didn't laugh much during the trail.
Probably my 'jokes' were too lame.

When were were back at school, we waited and stuff.
I saw your handphone.
I was deep in thoughts, I wondered why is the reason you didn't sent a single SMS during these 61 days.
Is it because of this event so that you can bring your handphone?
Or is it because you hated me that's why you didn't send me a single SMS.
I won't forget you.
All these days, I have been waiting.
For the one SMS.

I know, it was me who gave you lots of problems.
It was also me who make you to lost trust with.
I really didn't mean to give you any problems or to lie with you.
----------------------------------------------------
During English lesson, you turned around and talked to the one who sat beside me.
How much I hoped you would talk to me.
I might sound jealous or selfish.
But I really hoped it was me.

You know, I am still waiting for just this one SMS. Friday, July 15, 2005 These days are so lonely.
As if they are wholly clad with black and white shirts.
When is people coming to see me?
When are you coming to realize there is a room hidden in the dark corners of the world?
----------------------------------------------------
My world is so black.
Approximately two months have past.
Are you waiting for my initiative?
You didn't told me.
There were times when I really felt drowsy.
The first thing I thought to myself was, I'm going to leave my last words with you.
All these time, you were the one who gave me happiness instead of me giving you happiness.
The guilt inside me kept itching my heart.

I've been yearning for your message, email or just a phone call.
There are some things which aren't to be.
I just wish you will be by my side.

I know, its practically impossible.
Till date, I still remember the times we spent together.
The good memories.

During today's Math activity, you were the first girl name on my list.
Despite not being in the first, but you were in the first girl name on it.

I promise I will learn my guitar well, and I wish I could have a chance to play to you one day.

It has been a long time since I have a glib tongue.
But those words I told you, were right from the bottom of my heart.
I hope that you know, I love you. Thursday, July 14, 2005 Get lost, short-fud.
You're blocking me goal.
My aim is her, not you.
You defiant little imbecile neanderthal.
----------------------------------------------------
Man, I'm so evil.
I couldn't think of anything besides you.
You know, the radiant smile you carry everyday is so beautiful.
I pick up guitar and drawing.
Are those useful?
No, they are futile now.

No one appreciates the art I draw.
You know how long have I been waiting?
For 59 days.

When was the last chat?
7 days.

I'm waiting for you.

Also, I have accidentally deleted all tags.
Thank you to the people who has tagged my blog.
Sorry for making all the tags gone.
Stupid me. Wednesday, July 13, 2005 Many things are missing in my life.
Colours, happiness and friends.
----------------------------------------------------
Most importantly, you.
During English lesson, you turned around, asking the one who sat beside me something.
I replied, hoping you would give me a smile.
There are some things which cannot be replaced.
To me, it would be hard to replace you in my heart.

Everyday, there aren't colours.
Only when I see you in school, the colours comes back.
All painted by you.
As time flies by, the colour slowly fades away.
But you, stuck onto my mind, not leaving.

Every day, you radiate laughter and smiles.
Whenever I see you laugh or smile, I know you are really happy.

I just wish you are that happy everyday even though if I leave this world. Tuesday, July 12, 2005 This cold desert, is going to stay forever.
As this isn't a place of interest, it is going to be very lonely.

Will this short-fud just get out of my way?
You know how irritating you are?
----------------------------------------------------
I might sound too blunt.
I was just wondering when will you come and talk to me?
You know how timid I am.
I couldn't even pluck up the courage to encourage you to come to this cold desert and realise my love for you.
Why are you always running away from me?

You know, its been donkey years since you last came here.
I was wondering if you would visit this cold little room, full of loneliness.
I'm sitting here, waiting for you because I'm rotting away.

If I were to leave right now, my only wish is that, everyone in the world will keep you happier than I can give you.
Should you have a boyfriend, I wish you two happiness. Monday, July 11, 2005 Went to Malaysia today.
Rushed through homework.
----------------------------------------------------
You are on my mind, 24 hours a day, 4 weeks a month.
Every single moment you are on my mind.
I kept thinking about you whenever I went.

I know, I am such an imbecile.
Which makes everyone pity me.
Is there a use for pitying me?

I think action speaks larger than words.
I know, my actions aren't larger than what I say.
But I mustered my courage, speaking to you on the phone.
Which I had never ever tried before, speaking a girl whom I really love most.

The scorching sun, which used to shine on me every single moment, has gone.
It has turned into a cold desert, where no one comes. Sunday, July 10, 2005 Had to do journal.
Why the difficult topic?
I can't think of anything.
----------------------------------------------------
All I could think is you.

Its another day with darkness all over.
Everyday is the same.
Is there anything which can change our lives?

Why doesn't anyone believes me?
Maybe there are, I don't know.
I really wish I could be with you right now.
How much I wish we could be in the same class and same school.

I know, it is not going to happen because I know you wouldn't agree to it.
Is it because of your parents?
Or your studies?

You know, every single day I look at the tag-board, wishing you would really tag.
I know I have repeated many many times.

I know I am such a burden to you.
Hence, I would not bother you unless there is really an urge.

You can bother me, because I am waiting. Saturday, July 09, 2005 Everyday is just so dark and dull.
----------------------------------------------------
I saw you today, smiling away very happily during English lesson.
You turned back, hoping that you were smiling at me.
This might sound crappy, but I really still cannot forget you and your smiles.
There are times when my face suddenly turns black.
You might take it that I am angry with you.
But why would I get angry over you?
Even though you made me angry at times, I had to leave it because I love you.

NCC was today.
I had you on my mind every single moment.

Till date, I sulk every now and then.
I might appear happy at times, because I didn't want you to feel guilty and you may feel sad after that as well.
Everyone has already been affected by my emotions.

I remembered there was a chance I could be a 'prefect'.
I gave up because I told myself I wanted to spent more time on you.
Anyway, I was reluctant on being a 'prefect'.

I suddenly remembered the voices that came out from my handphone.
For 54 days.
No SMS from you.

I would keep waiting till your SMS comes. Friday, July 08, 2005 Forgotten to buy file today.
----------------------------------------------------
Every single day, I get to see your radiant smile.
You seem much happier without me.
I am too much of a nuisance.
Which makes everyone dislike me.
Why am I like this?

I know, I have been a pretty much of an attention seeker.
I seek attention so that I will do my things well.
I always try my best in front of you.
Why must I do this?
So that I hope I would leave a good impression on you.
I can be called a 'show-off'.

I tried changing my habits of bitting fingernails.
Everytime I tried to bite, I would think of you.
Hence, I stopped the biting action and keep thinking fathomlessly what mistakes have I done.
----------------------------------------------------
Someone just hitted me on my butt bone.
I have been hurt emotionally and physically.
I am soon going to leave this world.
As I said, I will leave my last words to you. Thursday, July 07, 2005 It might be forever.
Nothing is forever.
----------------------------------------------------
Love isn't forever.
Even mine to you, I can't guarantee it, nor anyone else.
I probably have to be thick-skinned.

I learnt something.
Words are just words.
Feelings are much different, they show something which can be oblivious at times.

Ever since you came into my life, I tried as hard as possible, to cut down on the obnoxious language I normally use.
I have came thus far, to this point running a long way, just to catch up with you.
I am busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before.
It really hurts.

I know, you hurt too.
The feeling of being alone in a dull-coloured world, is just so painful and dark.
The bright torch have yet to come.
I will wait at all costs. Wednesday, July 06, 2005 Is everybody really leaving me?
Even the one whom is inaugural to me?
Am I really going to suffer under this fate?
----------------------------------------------------
Even you are leaving me.
Honestly, I should have died.
A person less in a world is nothing to all of you.
You all continue with your studies and work.

You carry a smile, which warms my heart, replacing the chill, cold darkness.
Probably its Fate which makes us not to be together.
I really can't bear to leave you.
Instead of dying, I should have gone to other countries.
That might be another way.

Almost everywhere I go, you will be there.
Almost everytime I am there, you will leave.
Are you avoiding my purposely?
It has been long.
What do you really expect?
What do the people in our class expect us?
It might be almost possible, only if you are willing.
Come to think of it, you have to concentrate on your studies.
I understand.
----------------------------------------------------
I have finally found an affordable guitar.
How much I wish I could buy that guitar, and play it for you.
I will be willing to learn more songs even though blood is going to flow out from my weak hands just to play for you. Tuesday, July 05, 2005 Is everyone leaving me?
----------------------------------------------------
Well, if anyone who wants to know why am I doing those foolish stuff, you might have to think for yourself.
I don't even know what and why am I doing this.
The problem is, whenever I feel bored or sad, I just draw.
It looks as sucky as ever, but I couldn't help it.

Maybe I don't even exist in your world.
I might just be an extinct creature.

This world has already become a dull and meaningless world.
To me, it is like, there isn't a reason to live.
Or probably, our reason to live is for us to success.
Since nothing comes my way besides obstacles, why should I live?
Is there a meaning for me to live?

50 days.
A boring, dull and meaningless period of time.

You haven't been online for three days.
Three days.
It seems to be weeks and months to me.
I wonder if you're alright.
I might have been a big mouth.
But I promised you I will change.
I think I have been much quieter during your presence.

I think there is practically nothing that I could end this agony.

I suppose it is going to be forever. Monday, July 04, 2005
This picture is the original piece which I use it as a reference.
----------------------------------------------------
I went to my grandmother's house this evening.
Spending the whole evening thinking about you.
When I was on my way home, I once again, saw the street you live in, the block you live in.
It makes me recalls of your smiles and the great and negative memories we had together.

I have not been seeing you these two days of the weekends.
Why is it so?
Are you busy with your homework?

I sometimes really wonder if you blocked me.

Am I that irritating which makes almost everyone of you hate me?
It has been a period of 49 days.
How long must I wait till I receive your SMS?
----------------------------------------------------
Pictures of new art will be up as soon as possible.
How I hope you would see it although you might not be the first one.
I know, you might not ever going to come to this blog ever again.
=( Sunday, July 03, 2005 Bought a box of pencils which are needed for drawing.
----------------------------------------------------
I hurried my mum to go back home as soon as possible.
Why?
I wanted to draw an art for you.
But do you want to see it?
I don't think you even want to take a glance of it.
You will probably just chuck it into the dustbin or do something which I will not expect.
You are so far the only girl, which I think seems to be the best.
You were gentle.

I know, I have been the heart-breaker all these while.
You know, you always wanted me to fall for another person.
But even if I tried, I always fall back in love with you.

It has been 48 days.
Is there something which can explain this hiatus?
I hope you can tell me, what has happened.

I should have just stayed at home drawing all day long instead of going to school, breaking your heart, and destroy your brittle heart and frail emotions. Saturday, July 02, 2005 Today was NCC/SAF day.
Yeah, enough crap.
Sweat dripped down our faces as if we were raining.
----------------------------------------------------
I wished you were there, thinking you are proud of me.
Of course, that would be almost impossible.
But the hope just stays in my heart.

Everytime we were pumped, I kept thinking about you.
The one who stands luminously in the darkness of my world.
School was terrible today.

You standed there at the gate when I was on my way to school.
Are you waiting for me?
Naive question.

You stayed back for a little while.
I wonder why you stayed back for, for me?
Fat hope.

Well, I know everyone doesn't like me.

Maybe I should just disappear from this world. Friday, July 01, 2005 I feel so stupid.
I can't even solve a simple sum for math.
----------------------------------------------------
May I be your Spiderman?
Maybe in your mind, I am Green Goblin.
How much I wish you're my Mary-Jane.
This is theoretically not going to happen.

Life is getting duller each day.
Everyday, I see you, with a smile on.
Should I get happy as well?
Or go on with my boring and dull life?
The time you spent on me.
Its long.
The time I spent on you,
is short.
The memories you gave me,
were good.
The memories I gave you,
were bad, like nightmares.
I would try my very best to protect you every moment.

I always try to be optimistic, but I can't.

I just wish you are just right by my side, not leaving anymore. Thursday, June 30, 2005 Well, I know this isn't that nice as those drawn before. [Tries being optimistic.]
Today, is like, very very dull.
The beautiful colours has all faded.
----------------------------------------------------
You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another person.
The smile you radiated is so nice, that I couldn't resist to stop thinking of you.
You know, even if we never talk again, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are, and I really do appreciate the care you gave me, when I suffered terribly.
There isn’t another soul on this planet that has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau.
I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for the very you. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I’ve never felt this way before.
I know I really have hurt you deeply, albeit you denied.
I could really sense the sadness in your heart.
I guess, even if I die, no one would care.
Maybe you would, like offer a joss stick or so.
Because I don't think I am that important to you.
Nor to anyone else. Wednesday, June 29, 2005 Everything seems to have gone bonkers today.
My sister, everything.
----------------------------------------------------
Its all my fault.
You said something on our conversation window and I didn't talk.
It was all my fault.
You know, I have really missed you.
I have waited a total of 44 days.
Approximately, one month and two weeks.

I suppose you didn't get banned about your handphone.
My dad gave me a hell of a scolding for my bills, and what did I do?
I stood in my chair, yearning your SMS.
I feel very left out.

Yesterday, when I saw your radiant smile, it reminded me the past, which I think you were as happy as a lark.
Could you please come over to my blog?
You are online.
I really do care for you.
The days without you are like flowers without colours.
What I think I need, is love and care, from you.
----------------------------------------------------
Those who think I'm writing all these are fiction, take it as a fiction then.
For all I care.
You think I wanted to grab your attention, Mr/Ms. Anon?
Think about it. Tuesday, June 28, 2005 How much I wish the guitar lesson's held by Mr Chia would come back.
So that I could play Fine Day for you.
----------------------------------------------------
Well, I asked people to showed you art.
But, you didn't want to take even a glance at it.
Probably its just too ugly to be seen.

Everytime I draw art, it means I'm feeling down.
I think you don't care about me anymore.
I will try my very best this term and semester, that I can do better.
Should I score better tahn last term, I did it all because of you.

I can predict, that you are going to be a very career-minded in the future.
And me, slogging away, waiting for love to befall me.
----------------------------------------------------
Those who think my blog is boring and stuff, I don't mind.
I didn't build this blog for those who thinks this blog is boring.
I did it for her.
And the friends around me.
I urge those people tagging, please leave a name and not be nameless.
I appreciate those who have tagged in my blog.
The reason for me, not tagging in the tagboard is because I feel awkward tagging in my own blog.
I hereby, thank everyone who has visited my blog. Monday, June 27, 2005 I really wish I could play Jay's Fine Day for you.
----------------------------------------------------
I know there are people for me to choose.
Should I really stop hurting you?
Should I be a playboy again?
Should I choose another girl?

Could I hear from you?

I know I've been hurting you, too much.
Tomorrow, will be the day, of a new term.
And it will be the day which I will show my art to you.

3 pieces.
How much I wish you would say its nice.
Your art, is much more better than mine.
If you say its lousy, I don't mind.
I really don't.

Should I choose another girl?
Will people out there give comments?
=( Sunday, June 26, 2005 Learnt Jay Chou's Fine Day in guitar.
Though its only the front part, its still fun.
----------------------------------------------------
When I was at their house at first, I was extremely stunned.
During that time when I didn't talk to them, I kept thinking about you.

The two latest art are dedicated to you.

When you told me I'm hurting you, my heart sank.
Am I supposed to give you up, to stop the bleeding in your heart?
Now, has anybody considered the bleeding in my heart?
The nostalgic moments has etched in my cranium.
To you, maybe it might have been in your Recycle Bin.
Or maybe it has been deleted permanently.

Should I really give you up?
Or should I not?
Advices please.
----------------------------------------------------
Though I really don't bear to see you go, you still did.
You left quietly, and made me be alone.
Everyone's leaving me.
One step further from me. Saturday, June 25, 2005 Drew 2 more art.
----------------------------------------------------
When you told me my art wasn't ugly, my heart was happy, for a while.
Actually I have a lot of things to say, but as I said, I don't want to hurt anyone any further, especially you.
I really wish you wouldn't leave me.

I know, there are some things which aren't meant to be.
But I really cannot bear to leave you.
During this dull hoildays, I yearn to see your laughter and smiles.
I really couldn't get any happier to see your laughter and smiles.
There is practically nothing to make me give you up.
Although there are really many girls out there for me to choose, I don't want.
I only want you.
To me, you're the best.
Though you did something I really didn't wish it would happen, it did.

What has happened has already happened, there is nothing which can change history.
I know the relationship in our age doesn't last long.
But I really want to be with you.

Probably, I should have died or something.
Or maybe not even be in this world.
I really didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm sorry.

If I had not exist in this world, I would not have caused so many trouble to everyone.
I'm sorry.

I hope you would see the sincerity in the art I drew for you.

The ice-cream has all melted. How I wish the ice-cream would come back.
---------------------------------------------------- Even my mum said I can't discipline myself.
I can't even read a book in 3 weeks.
She says she wouldn't sign my report slip if I go on dropping.
I'm such a total failure. Friday, June 24, 2005 Went for movies today, can't watch Initial D, no tickets, no movies.
At least we watched Mr and Mrs Smith.
Not really bad.
----------------------------------------------------
Frankly, I have thoughts that me, commiting suicide.
So far, I don't think I have any promises to anyone which said, I will not commit suicide.

I know I have said a number of times, wishing you would come to read this small little world of mine.
Yes, according to some people, I might have been a playboy.
That was years ago.
Since this year, my heart has been filling your name.
Not even my family.
This might sound stupid, but I really love you.
If I were to die, I would leave my last words to you, as I told you.
Perharps, you might think, 'Oh, you're dying? Go ahead then, for all I care.'
That sounded a little evil, unlike you.
That might happen to and evil girl, which isn't you.

During the movies today, how much I wished you were to be right beside me.
That's really impossible, but what could I do? All I can do is to think of you.
Even during when my friends were playing X-Box in X-Square, I told them, 'I ain't playing, you guys go ahead.'
Though they offered me to play, I didn't want to.
During that period of time, my mind was blank. Except the magnificient you, standing there.
I kept looking forward to the time I can leave, I wanted to go home and see whether you are online.

You were, but your status is busy.
Since you're giving me a cold shoulder, I don't mind.
I'm in this lonely little world, which no one will come and discover.

I just can't wake up from an illusion, which I have never experienced before.
If I could, or in fact, have a chance, to prepare you a meal, and to see you smile, I'm already very happy.
Although I really wish for something else, I know that will never happen. Thursday, June 23, 2005 I slogged away as well as thinking of you.
I really cannot stop thinking of you.
----------------------------------------------------
How I hope you would think of me.
Naive thnking.
Fat hope.

Had I known if someone would care for my life and death, I wouldn't have felt so lonely and hopeless.
But can it be you?
How good is it going to be if its you.
I know I had really let you down a lot of times.
But do you know how I feel?
I feel guilty.
After all that lying and cheats, I feel terribly guilty.
I know, you aren't going to forgive me.
But you know how much I wish you would forgive me, and start a new life with me.
This will not happen. I know it.

Everything, has become water under the bridge.
I'm going down and down.
Due to my foul mood, I must have made you angry.
Now, even I can't even SMS you.
I'm willing to bear all the responsibility.
It's all because of my stupidity, which caused you problems.
I didn't treasure the chances you gave me.
How stupid of me.
I didn't even care your feelings.
I'm really such a failure. Wednesday, June 22, 2005 I have been writing shorter and shorter blog entries.
Why?
I'm busy working while thinking of you.
----------------------------------------------------
Does writing shorter blog entries = shorter life?
If so, I would write shorter and shorter each time.
But I could'nt bear to leave you.
You were like the person pushing me, the cart.
The power to push me to go on living.
Every single day, I miss you.
You might think I'm crazy.

I really wish I could see your laughter.
I really wish I could see you. The real you.
It has been 37 days.
How much I hope this SMS would come, right now.
It won't.

Studies is your primary concern.
It isn't mine. Its secondary.
To me, you are primary.
As time goes by, you would'nt be primary any more. Nor secondary.
[Not even worse, in fact, better.]
----------------------------------------------------
Yes, it might be obsession.
I call obsession, love, alright?
I'm as naive as ever.
As stupid as ever.
As idiotic as ever.
As 37 days ago, I'm sitting here as ever.
Waiting for your SMS, or phone call. Tuesday, June 21, 2005 I'm so crazy.
So crazy about you.
----------------------------------------------------
Well, different people has different views.

I couldn't give you up.

I kept thinking about when I was on my way home.
The times we spent together, everything you said, everything you did.
Those were the past.
Why can't it be present now?
I know everyone hates me.
I even hate myself.
I'm quite sure if I give you up, you will be elated.
But, I can't, and I won't.
The past, has all gone.
With laughter, tears, anger, love and care.
----------------------------------------------------
Why can't the people out there treasure their beloved properly?
You all will know when they are gone. Monday, June 20, 2005 Learnt some more cooking skills from dad.[Again]
----------------------------------------------------
How I wish I could cook for you, and you were sitting there just tasting it with feelings.
I know this sounds naive, because i'm childish.
I'm still as selfish as ever.
As stubborn as ever.
I wanted to change, but I don't know how you want me to change.

How I wish you were dropping by this blog, dropping by a tag or something.
Another naive sentence.

How I wish you would just send me an SMS, or give me a phone call.
I know I have mentioned it umpteen times, but, you are numero uno to me.

Everytime I pass by your primary school, I will think of you.
I wondered how you looked when you were small.

If you are looking at this blog, I wish you would know, I am waiting for your SMS.
I know, I'm too fathomless, too fathom, because my world, is all you.

Some sentences you said, have caused me to become a 'cold turkey'.
One person, who will never get happy with you and your, smiles.
----------------------------------------------------
People with relationships out there, you must get along with your beloved.
You must learn to compromise.
If you cannot compromise, you will end up with problems.
Like me. Sunday, June 19, 2005 Today is just so frustrating.
Everything don't work.
----------------------------------------------------
I'm such a failure.
I can't even win your heart.
Stupid me.
Such a dodo I am.

I know I'm too carried away.
I know I think too much.
I know these relationship doesn't last long, but is it an offence that I want to be with you?
I know most parents don't allow their child[ren] to have relationships, some are defiant, some aren't.
I'm the defiant one.
I know I'm bad.
----------------------------------------------------
In most youngsters, they put love at their first place.
There are many trees in a forest, but I just love this particular tree, can't I?
Some people just can't give up easily when they pick up things.
Although studies are most student's primary concern, it isn't for me. Saturday, June 18, 2005 Yes, I'm a failure.
----------------------------------------------------
I don't mind anyone saying me a failure, because I am a failure.
As well as,
imbecile,
a nincompoop,
ugly,
untalented,
selfish,
a coward.
So on and so forth.

Why can't you just be by my side?
If studies is your primary concern, I'm fine with it.
But if you say you have no feelings for me, I can't accept it.

I asked you a question today, little different from what I asked two days ago.
The first one hurt me, the second one, quite.
Why can't I have your care?
I know I don't deserve it.
I know I will not ever receive your care ever again.

You know how much I missed you?
You know how much I love you?
You know I have been waiting for your care?
You know I have been waiting for your love?
No one knows, and no one cares, and I don't deserve anything.
Probably I'll just die. Friday, June 17, 2005 Got my phone back, with everything gone.
Especially phonebook.
----------------------------------------------------
You were the first number to be added into my phonebook.
The number which keeps recurring in my mind.

The one message, which is so important to me, has also been deleted. =(
Since the time I got back my phone, I have been waiting for your SMS.
It has been a long 32 days.
However, that might not be compared to other people's count.
For example, 70+ days.
I wonder who or what was that.

You know, I have been in a lonely room.
Even when I worked, I kept thinking of you.
I even got some funny headache.
But as usual, you were there, telling me to go on.
I had to, I did not want to disappoint you again.
----------------------------------------------------
How I wish you were to be by my side now.
The stubborn me, will still not give up. Thursday, June 16, 2005 Well, handphone LCD broke.
Had to work in my dad's office to pay off the debt.
----------------------------------------------------
I worked all because of you.
The one message is in the phone.
One normal message which anyone could send it over.
But this one, normal, common SMS means a lot to me.
Just like you, which means the world to me.
I know, you might think this is crap.
I don't mind.

There are some things guys don't experience like the girls.
For instance, mood swings.
Though I don't really understand, I understand the gist of it.
[I know my IQ is low.]

Wikipedia defines mood swing as,
A mood swing is an extreme change in mood.

Well, I understand now.
It is okay.
----------------------------------------------------
Wish everyone has a gleeful and fruitful love life.
Don't end up like me. Wednesday, June 15, 2005 Handled the M-16S1 today.
Oily until like what.
----------------------------------------------------
During the technical handling, I kept thinking about you.
I kept wondering if you are online, because I'm not.
I wanted to go online.
But, I can't.
I really miss you a lot.
Seriously, a lot.
It has been 29 days, since the last SMS.
I will continue to wait for you.

Sometimes, I really felt like dying.
Just taking the knife and pierce it into my heart, and just die.
But you were there, deep down in my heart, standing.
You seem to tell me not to.
It was your encouragement.

You were online yesterday.
I told you to sleep early, hope that you really did.
I know you aren't going to reply, and thus the offline.
It has been long we had a verbal, face-to-face talk.
I just can't pick up the courage to call you.

When I changed my phone, you were the first to know that I changed it.
On that day, you told me if I deleted your messages.
I replied desperately, 'I did'.
I had to be honest, I did not want to lie to you.
I know I had lied to you several times.
And I hope, you would forgive me.
I really don't mind waiting.
I just can't do anything without your smile.
----------------------------------------------------
Your smile is my sunshine. Tuesday, June 14, 2005 Its a day without colours, almost same as a colour-blind.
As lonely as ever.
----------------------------------------------------
Well, probably I don't have the luck to have colourful days as you do.
If you could think of me, I would be happy.
Fat hope.
I'm too naive.
I know I'm too lousy for you.
You are beautiful and clever.
Unlike me, ugly and imbecile.
I am too lousy to be compatible with you.
I know its hard to love me, because I'm stubborn as well.
Well, I wonder if you are the romantic type.
If you are, probably I'm the one who isn't romantic enough.
I would be most willing to change for you.
I really don't mind losing everything, but I just can't lose you.
Only when you tell me you love me, or in fact miss me, I would be living happier in my life, to make your life happier than anyone in the world.
I know it's childish to think of that.
That's is my character.
That is why everyone hates me.
----------------------------------------------------
Be happy with what you have.
You will regret when they are gone. Monday, June 13, 2005 Decided on a day for badminton.
What's the difference?
I am still as lonely as ever.
----------------------------------------------------
You were online for once today. Just once.
Well, so what if you're online. You won't talk to me, nor I will.
Every single day I am online, why is it so?
I'm waiting for you to come online and chat with me.
But all these days have already ended.
Why can't we have it again?
Do you know how much I worry for you?

Everytime my phone rings, I hope its is you who is calling me.
Everytime I lay on my bed, I remember the times we spent together.
Everytime I think about you, I wonder if you will care for me.
Of course, I always ponder if I mean anything to you.
I might not be.
I don't mind.
But you mean the life to me, the strength which is pushing me to carry on living in my life.
----------------------------------------------------
Though sometimes it feels good to miss someone.
You know that you really care and you indulge in the feeling of loving/caring for him/her.
But missing someone and not knowing if he/she is feeling the same is terrible.
You feel as if you are being left alone.
So if you miss someone, tell him/her and let them know.
At the same time, ask if they miss you. [I know I don't have the courage to ask you.]

Don't let the feeling of missing someone become being jealousy or paranoid.
If you are the one being missed and you know it, let the other party know.
If you miss him/her too, tell them.
Don't let them wait.
You will regret if they are gone. Sunday, June 12, 2005 As usual, I am lonely.
Who will care for me anyway?
I guess nobody does.
----------------------------------------------------
I was waiting for you to come online, since 10am.
Well, you finally came online at about 8pm.
Although I really wished I could have a long chat with you, you have already gone offline and I knew you would say you would not want to disturb me.
We would have our conversation ended by then.
I will be there for you, and how much I wished that you will be there for me as well.
But it seems to me that you will not.
It has been a long time since I received,
a SMS,
a long phone call,
care
and concern.
I know I'm being naive because I know I will never ever receive these things ever from you again.
----------------------------------------------------
How much I wish we are together just like the loving couples having their relationships.
Should we be together, I will really treasure you and the chances you give me. Saturday, June 11, 2005 Trying to decide on a date going for badminton.
----------------------------------------------------
You were online, as usual.
But I hoped you will talk to me.
Just like the old times.
Do you know how much I missed you these days?
I am lovesick.
I'm under dysthymia.
I am schizophrenic.
Why can't I have a illness like a high fever or something?
By then, how much I wished you would care, and find that little lonely, dark room.

Why can't you SMS me?
There is something in the world called WebSMS.
Can't I just die? So that you will most probably live in peace.

If I were to be stranded on an island, I would wish for you, food and water.
So that when you are here, you would not be starving and would not be thirsty.

This might be crap to you, I don't mind.
You might not care about me, I don't mind.

Every single day, I think of you.
I hope you would see this entry, and leave a tag or something.
A great sms, or a call which I of course don't wish to hang up.

I really miss you a lot.
----------------------------------------------------
I have already seen people quarrelling over their relationships. Why is this so? I hope you people out there, will realise the ice-cream which is melting, and let it stop melting as soon as possible. Friday, June 10, 2005 I think no one will ever notice this lonely room that I live in.
When I'm online, almost everyone goes offline. Slowly one by one.
Do you all hate me that much?
I know I'm irritating, naggy, helpless, evil, imbecile and repugnant, which makes everybody dislike me, or even hate me.
----------------------------------------------------
You were online.
I sent regards, and you sent back.
Suddenly, you told me you did not want to disturb me.
You 'waved' to me goodbye.

Are you avoiding me?
I wish not.

In your personal message, you wrote your thumb was bleeding.
I showed concerned and you told me you made it bleed.
Why do you have to torture yourself? Because of me?
If it is because of me, I will be the one chopping off my fingers.

Maybe I should leave the world in order to have the people i know, to live in peace and harmony.
I'm the one who always wreck havoc everywhere I go. I caused so much trouble.
I'm terribly sorry.
And I know I made a lot of people sad or angry. Especially, you.
I hereby, apologise publicly, I'm very sorry.
I'm very thankful you showed me all the care you had given me when I had a physical impact in my heart.
Nobody else showed care except you.
Lastly, I love you.
----------------------------------------------------
Remember, life and relationship is like an ice-cream. When the ice-cream melts, you have to stop melting by licking it. When it has finished melting, you cannot lick it any further. It applies in life as well, when a problem in a relationship or in life comes, you have to amend it quickly. If you did not amend anything, you will regret because you have no more chance of making any amendments.

And I know, I have lost all the chances.
[Dysthymic me] Thursday, June 09, 2005 Lonely. Why does everyone seem to taking step to leave me? You are all as happy and lucky as ever. I'm stuck in a lonely, dark and unnoticed room. I wish someone would realise there is such a room, containinng someone which need serious care and love, and who is waiting for someone special to realise there is such a room.
----------------------------------------------------
You told me to not to SMS, I was okay with it.
Of course, I can't reject.
But deep inside my heart, I was reluctant and hurt.

Evening, I was at the office.
I kept telling my mum to hurry up. Why?
I wanted to rush home to check whether you are online. Why?
I miss you. Why?
I love you.

When I reached home, I saw you online.
I saw you sending regards to me.
I asked whether you wanted to ask me something.
Well, when the next three sentences came, those words just hitted a very great impact in my heart.
Those three sentence, held a very great meaning, I even felt like dying.
You kept telling me you do not want to disturb me.
You kept telling me never mind.
I mind.

Every single day, whenever you don't talk to me, you know how I feel? I feel as lonely one man without anything.
Most probably you felt like crying but you did not want anybody to know.
You were sorry about what the things you said to me which hurt me, I am sorry too. In fact, I am twice, or even thrice as sorry as you. I know how much hurt I have gave you instead of happiness.

You 'warned' me a second time, not to SMS you. A really serious one which any fool can sense it straight away.
It was a big 'asteroid' which gave a third impact on my heart. You were sorry.
I felt like dying straight away. If you are seeing this, you might not care about this.
Before I could finished my sentence I wanted to say, you were already offline.

I wanted to say that I really can't lose you anymore. Rest assured that I won't send anymore SMS, because I know how irritating I am.

I'm as stubborn as ever. Just like someone described me. As stubborn as the stain stuck on a frying pan.

You aren't lonely. There are your family, you have a happy one. There are your friends. Last and the least, its me, who really care for you. You aren't lonely at all.
----------------------------------------------------
People having relationships out there, I really urge you all, to really treasure your relationships. Once you lose your beloved, you won't be able to retrive it back easily. Treasure it after you retrived it, do not let the chance slip away, because if you do, you might not have the chance to treasure him/her ever again.
Trust me.
I have already lost someone, who has given me loads of chances, I did not treasure it. In the end, I lost you.

P.S. I wrote this post with internal bleeding, with my tears almost dropped. How I wish some kind of illness will befall me. Should you befall with any illness, I wish I would be the one sufferring than you.

Tears dropped at 01:21am. Who cares anyway. Wednesday, June 08, 2005 Finished four art pieces, they are lousy though.
Not releasing the latest one yet.
----------------------------------------------------
I finally realised how bad I was to you.
I treated you shabbily, I forced things you did not want to do.
I'm not releasing my latest art because I want you to be the first person to see it.

Already, five people have said this blog is touching.
One dropped tears, one almost.
Is this blog that touching?
I just wish you were dropping by, leaving a tag or comment it through MSN, and even hope that you feel touched.
Maybe you aren't.
Or probably you didn't even drop by.
It has been a long time since you dropped by, I guess.

http://sandbox.deviantart.com/?fileheight=350&filewidth=550&filename=fs7:f/2005/156/9/2/44.swf
This short animation in this web, is one of the most touching animations I have ever seen.
If it were us in the video, I would rather be the one suffering instead.
----------------------------------------------------
Why can't we be together?
All I wish is you could be by my side.
I don't mind losing everything, I just can't lose you. Tuesday, June 07, 2005 My art is lousy.
----------------------------------------------------
Two people have told me to give you up.
Probably you are thinking of making me giving you up.
I have come to a thought that,
I ain't giving up.
No one likes me.
No one loves me.
Everyone hates me.
You hate me.
That's the reason why you aren't replying my SMS.
Why did you told me things which you knew could hurt my heart?
As the saying goes, "Ignorance is bliss".
Of course, I don't expect you not telling me everything.

A sentence says, "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't you happy?"
But the bible says, "Ignorance may seem like bliss but only for a short time." [Too many phrases]
----------------------------------------------------
The art I drew, let me thinks of the beautiful you. [Though the picture drawn is ugly.]
It seems that every single day I couldn't get you off my mind.
People might think I said it from like once it appears in my brain, in fact, it comes out right from my heart.
I lied to you, a number of times.
All because of my stupidity, my low IQ.
I couldn't link my brain to yours.
My low IQ.
I couldn't spare a thought for you.
My stupidity.
----------------------------------------------------
Looks like I'm the failure of the year 2005, 2006, 2007 and etc.
I'm lousy at art.
I'm lousy at music.
I'm lousy at everything.
I'm such a failure. Sunday, June 05, 2005
Another piece of art. Sunday, June 05, 2005 Well, I was drawing my art till someone reminded me to update my blog.
Yes, art.
Another piece of art will be posted soon. Latest by Tuesday, i suppose.

Experienced schizophrenia while I was out with my family this evening.
----------------------------------------------------
I would think of you whenever I start to find anime.
The beauty of the girls in the anime, would let me think the beauty of you standing in the darkness in my heart.
Well, I already know what I should do.
I will wait. I would take that patience is the key.
Even though I have a chance for you to love me, I wouldn't.
I wouldn't bear to do the harmful injure to you.
I gave you so called my treasure, which I have never ever gave it to anyone before.
I wish you would treasure it nicely.
Whatever things that has done to that treasure, I wish you could capture a picture and leave the memory into your brain.
Should we be together, I would comfort you when you are sad, make you happy when you are angry and make you happier when you are happy.
----------------------------------------------------
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. - George Sand Sunday, June 05, 2005 Patience.
I'll wait.

LOVE. What is Life without Love?
----------------------------------------------------
People told me to continue to wait, some told me to give up.
Well, I have came to a decision. Wait.
Yes, I'm stubborn.
It has been 19 days, since the last SMS.
Almost everybody is on a great, elated relationship. What about us?
It might be almost impossible for us to be together.
Apparently, I can't seem to get over you.
Firstly, I will not.
Secondly, I won't even attempt.
Miracles are fakes because they have never happen to me before.
If my wish has been fufilled, I would call that a miracle, and I would believe it.
You are the only one who can fulfill this desire, which I have been yearning for.
Even though there is another person who can fulfill it, I will not even care her because you are the only one, who remains in my heart.
I love you for what you are, not who you are.
I wish I wasn't in an ignis fatuus last time.
----------------------------------------------------If I had made offended you, I plead to your forgiveness.

In my heart, you aren't just a friend.
You are the one whom I care the most, love the most, miss the most and worry the most.
Of course, you might not care, or even take it you have not seen, or I have not written.
Just to let you know, I do care for you.
No one will care about me anymore. I don't think anyone in the world who ever like me.
In fact, I think that everyone hates me. Because I suck.
----------------------------------------------------
All I ask for, is just one great SMS which I have been waiting for.
Or just one phone call, which will take a long time to finish.
Should you have been scolded by your parents, I would like to take the responsibilty of being scolded for you.
If you have been scolded or being banned for using the computers, or using the handphone, its all my fault.

Well, I want to see you smiling away in school. Not the dark side of you, not talking with your friends.
Do not be like me, the lonely and the one suffering inside the heart. If I had not started the blog, I would have poured out all my feelings to you. But in the current situation with not starting a blog, I don't know who or where to pour out my feelings to.
Since you do not want to know about me, I should keep a low profile of myself. Saturday, June 04, 2005 Utterly disappointed.
Emotionally unstable.
Schizophrenic. [As usual]
----------------------------------------------------
You were online.
I was there stunned.
There are somethings I want you to know.
I love you.
I miss you. [Every moment.]
I'm all alone.
I'm waiting for your message.
You are the only one in my heart.
Always and forever are big words.

Although the message I sent you, you read and deleted, I just had to let it go.
I couldn't force you to love me and keep all those message, could I?
You told me we are just normal friends.
I told you I wasn't sad.
I didn't want you to worry. I guess you aren't.
It isn't your fault, it's all my fault. I did not provide full happiness to you.
I just wish you would drop by my blog, drop a tag or read the posts.
I started this blog, because of you. If it wasn't you, I would have not started it.

You told me things that which made my heart sank.
It's not your fault, really.
----------------------------------------------------
Friends are on the other side of my world. I'm lonely. That is why I wish you were in my world. Together with me. Although it is almost impossible that we are together, I really hope we would hang out in school. Just in school. I'm already contented. Friday, June 03, 2005 Its another boring and dull day for me. Just like the usuals. The former colourful days has been painted over with black.
----------------------------------------------------
Enter my life and I will assure you that I will try my very best to make your life as picturesque and refined, just like you are.
If you were to live a hundred years, I would take one day from the hundred years, spent the time very wisely with you, and if possible, to make the time stop. Because I do not want to lose you.
If I were to die right now, I wish you are coming forward to me, because I want to leave my last words with you.
You are the sunshine of my heart and mind, who shines radiantly, who provides me light and warmth.
You are like the water in my life as well, a need for survival.
You might have seen me philandering with other girls, but beneath my heart, it is you who is standing there, providing light and warmth.
Almost every single day, I stayed back to torture myself, always wishing you were to appear right in front of me.
Every single day, I await you to come online. Despite severe scoldings, I still continue to wait.
Well, I know you might not care. It is okay. No one else does anymore anyway.
Just ignore me. Just like everyone does.
----------------------------------------------------
Dreams and wishes do not come true. [For me] Those people having relationships and their dreams and wishes come true, you are lucky. Wish everyone have a good love life. Thursday, June 02, 2005 Went to Malaysia. I'm totally blur. Had everything messed up like the passports and etc. I'll explain it.
----------------------------------------------------
I sent two SMS[es] to you, wishing you had received it and give me a reply.
Like the usuals, I keep my handphone in my pocket, awaiting for your reply.
By the time I reached the immigration point, I've got everything's messed up, just because I'm thinking about you.
You, are the only one who has left an intense feeling in my heart.
Frankly speaking, every single time, whenever i go overseas, I will miss you terribly.
Even though I don't have a single signal, I still hold up my handphone, wishing there is a signal, and I could receive your SMS.
I just wish there is an SMS appearing on my phone, and the sender is you.
As I said, it has been a long time since I received your message.
A long time, to me.
I will wait till your SMS come.
Though I don't expect for like one year before the SMS comes.
I just wish the SMS comes as soon as possible.
Saw you online. Same old wish goes again.

You might think that I do not want to talk to you. But deep in my heart, I want to. I do not have the courage to do so. I have lost you once, and it is going to be forever.
----------------------------------------------------
If the one you love does not love you, the problem might lie with you. Have you ever tried sorting out its your fault? Do not give up. You might have heard people saying wanting to die and stuff, like me, they are under light depression. To me, mine is heavy, hence, its hard to cure. Light depression suferrers might be cured easily. All depression suferrers need care and love. TRY AND PROVIDE THEM ALL THESE. Heavy depression normally needs a special person to provide a special care and love.
Cherish your beloved and do not lose them. Wednesday, June 01, 2005 I'm going to do my homework one of these days. I must finish it.
----------------------------------------------------
Well, I saw you online at about 11:15.
I wanted to struck up a conversation with you, but, I was afraid I'm irritating, hence, I did not have the courage to speak up to you.
I really wanted to talk to you about us, but, you were always 'escaping' from it.
Every single day, I face the monitor, checking whether you were online. If I was watching television, I would check whether you are online about every 15 minutes. [Sometimes]
Every single day, I hold my handphone, awaiting for your SMS, I even bring it to everywhere I go. To my terrible dismay, no SMS shown, no missed calls.
Nothing.
Every single SMS I receive, I would be excited and I always look forward that it is you who sent me that SMS.
Yes, you.
----------------------------------------------------
You are the one who brings beautiful colours to my life.
Without you, the colours in my world, are black. Total darkness.
I would just wish that there will be lightness, and it would be a torch emitting light, and you are the one holding the torch, guiding me throughout the darkness, bringing me to a place with a beautiful scenery, containing the beautiful you and me.
----------------------------------------------------
Most people would like someone to care for them, love them. If there is a person who is loving you right now, but you don't love him/her, try and make feelings for him/her. Of course, if you cannot love him/her, do not force. I hereby, wish everyone a fruitful and colourful love life. Tuesday, May 31, 2005 Receive an email, saying that there are homework on the e-Portal. Who in the blue world would love homework? Probably some geeky geeks would like that.
----------------------------------------------------
Without you, I don't know how am I going to spent my holidays fruitfully.
Without you, the colours in my world fades away. Slowly and painfully.
Every single day, I await your SMS.
Every single day, you are on my mind.
Every single day, I cling on to a wish that I knew would never come true.
If there was one good message from you, I will be very contented.
Yes, just one.
I will probably extend it to the furthest it can be.
The good memories you gave me, I will never forget it.
The bad memories I gave you, I will also not forget it.
The selfish me, is the geeky me.
We might not be together, although I really wish to.
Should you have relatiionships already, I'll just wish you a gleeful one.
----------------------------------------------------
Do not break your beloved's heart. At least try to, or patch it. If no patch is seen, you will regret. Guilt will stick intense in your heart. Monday, May 30, 2005 I was looking forward to a day out to Orchard, but forthwithly, liquid sunshine fell from the sky and hence, no outing. =(
----------------------------------------------------
You did not send any SMS since 15th May.
You did not came online since yesterday.
It has been long since we talked verbally on the phone.
It has been long since we have communicated for a period of time.
Is it because of me?
I can change because of you.
I can do anything just for you. Only you.
Whenever I think of you, I would think of the good times we spent together.
I know how bad I am, to leave you bad memories.
I'm selfish.
I'm imbecile.
I'm ugly.
I'm too bad to be together with you.
I'm under depression, highly possible.
I'm having a little schizophrenia.
Well, I regret alot, I did not give up on the wish I has mentioned before.
----------------------------------------------------
People out there, do not regret when your beloved has gone. You will suffer, terribly. You will be heartsore.
Do not break your beloved's heart. Don't let them feel that they are alone. You will be guilty. Sunday, May 29, 2005 Well, I was told to improve on my results, or else, no computers and handphone, i guess.

Went to school at about 8:15am and reached there at about 8:30am. Not even a single soul in the canteen. Took slow and disappointed steps to the fitness corner and did pull-ups.
----------------------------------------------------
Saw you walking along the corridor, is that Fate?
----------------------------------------------------
Had guitar workshop with Mr Chia, had a little fun. Learnt some new chords as well.
----------------------------------------------------
You were there, learning, laughing as well during the workshop, your happiness showed a argent light in my heart, showing way to happiness.
You should have fun, because you gave out gleeful feelings showed on your face.
You were there, playing the guitar, with heart. I was there, listening to your comforting tune of music, holding a wish that the song is dedicated to...
----------------------------------------------------
Watched Armageddon again, extremely touching.
----------------------------------------------------
You were online, but, not leaving an IM.
You seemed chafed, I was there, baffled.

I gave you bad memories, you gave me good memories. I'm very grateful of that.
You will always be on my mind. Saturday, May 28, 2005 It was a 'well-looked forward' day, because it is the day to collect our results. Although I got the top 10, I'm still unhappy.

My dad didn't scold me for my bill, but I'm quite sure he is going to scold me for my report slip.
----------------------------------------------------
When I was looking at you today, you were full of smiles. The feelings you gave were, gleeful and contented.
Although I was there, being outcasted, you still came along my way and asked me not to drop tears.
When those words reached me, my heart almost melted, and my tears were almost falling off.
When I saw you there, as sunny as a lark, the intensity of happiness just floated above my heart, till it reached my brain.
I'm glad that you are convivial, I just love the way you are happy.
----------------------------------------------------
I was shocked, when you stayed back, although I thought you wouldn't as you were like normal weekdays.
Although I don't know the reason you were saying back, I just hope you are staying back because of... Friday, May 27, 2005 That girl of 1E6, well, people say I suck, I agree. But when you say it, I dislike it. I just dislike you.

I'm bound to get scolding from my dad today and tomorrow, all because of my mountaining bills, as well as my results. God! Save me!
----------------------------------------------------
I gave you my drawing, you didn't take it. I won't blame you for that. Probably you just dislike me just like how I dislike the 1E6 girl. Since you are ignoring me, I am not asking for your forgiveness, all I ask for is, you are happy. I just want to see you happy every single day.
Everytime you are hurt accidentally, my heart hurts many times more than the physical pain you feel.
Everytime you hurt yourself intentionally, my heart hurts the most I could ever feel.
Everytime you are happy, my heart is very contented.
Everytime I did not see you, my heart just sank as low as Titanic.
Despite my continuous tries, I still did not made you happy.
I broke the promises which I had promised before, but all the swearing I did, they were for real.
I am not going to be a single promise from now on. I swear.
I finally know how irritating I am. I just simpy hate myself to the core! Thursday, May 26, 2005 Well, today went for the Esplanade Trail, it was totally boring! It was a little fun at first, because I get to see you. =)
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Whenever i turned around to see you, you were always full of smiles and laughter.
Although I was dejected, I still felt a little warmth of happiness when you smiled.
You, maybe its only you, who can bring happiness to my life.
Although we might not be together, I still hold a wish which has never ever came true.
You turned around when I took a wary glance at the beautiful you.
It hurts whenever you ignored me, for instance, by not sending any SMS to me.
No one knows how much I miss you, love you.
----------------------------------------------------
Wishes might not always come true. My wishes never ever come true. Although sometimes whenever you think positive of dreams, it may come out as an negative. You will be crestfallen, much more compared to when you think negative. Wednesday, May 25, 2005 Well, today seems to be a daunting day. Received our results today, and I found out how vile i did. I'm just going to flop for my mid-years this year. =(

Tomorrow, our school is having an arid activity called 'The Amazing Race'. I describe it boring because I think its going to be 'lame'.

----------------------------------------------------
Every single school day, I turn left to see how you were.
Every single school day, I see how happy you were.
Every single school day, when I realised how happy you were, I am happy as well, not in face, but deep in my heart.
Every single school day, I realised that without me, you will be happier, I realised how failure I am to made you happy during the past.
----------------------------------------------------
Sometimes you say things to me which hurt me alot, but I did not say it out, I didn't wanted you to worry and I don't want you to feel it is your wrong. What's more heartbreaking is, I gave you something which I had never did it for anyone before but you did something which I knew its going to happen sonner or later. Well, I understand why and I won't hold you to that.

My art is sucky, no wonder people have to do that. =( I know how sucky I am. I tend to be terribly irritating and naggy, but when i'm normal, i'm just annoying and noisy. I'll end off with a phrase, I SUCK! Tuesday, May 24, 2005 Late in the morning, i watched the DVD of Armageddon, it was touching and fantastic! Harry S. Stamper, risked his life for Earth, and for his future son-in-law, A.J. It was real touching. I just wished I could do something like that for her. It made me realised that relationships are the most important. I'm willing to sacrifice anything for her and of course, I love her. Again, treasure your beloved and don't lose them. You will regret it terribly.


**EDIT** Oh god, my bill is $179!!! I'm going to get grilled by my dad. Oh god, save me!!! I'm probably banning myself from SMS-ing and calling this month. Oh the Great One, HELP!!! Monday, May 23, 2005 Well, today's Vesak Day and it is also a terrible day. Woke up in the morning, went to the temple, got my skin burnt by the joss sticks, what in the blue world is going to happen next?

Since 3rd of May, my days have been always dull and unmeaningful. Everyday, I await her SMS. I did not SMS her, i'm afraid she dislikes me, and thus, no SMS sent. =( Without her, my days are like without sunlight, cold and boring. Another more 5 days and 8 hours 22 minutes, I ain't get to see her for about a month. I wonder how would i pass these 1 month without her. In my somber mood, how am I going to continue living on? For people with "steads", continue living on and love your beloved and do not give them up despite their unceasing mistakes.

Love cures people -- both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
W.H. Murray

Give love, and you will receive love. May love befall you.


**EDIT** Watching a show, talking about young kids having depression. They seem familiar. Psychologists says that they might feel people around doesn't love them. Seems pretty familiar. Sunday, May 22, 2005
Recently drawn art. Sunday, May 22, 2005 How would you feel if a girll you love alot, not sms-ing you? This intense feeling is uncontrollable when it just pierce through your brittle shiny heart. How would you feel if you feel the girll you love alot, dislikes you, or probably even hate you? Bright feelings are brought down when all these happens. You might have seen people laughing away and you think they are happy. But the truth is, some are really happy, some aren't. They can be hanging out with friends, happily laughing away. But when they think of their beloved one[s], their feelings might be as dark as charcoal. It's really sad to see someone like this. To me, my happiness is when my beloved one is happy. I don't think anyone want their beloved to be unhappy. Well, nothing to say so far. Only some sad, confessions to make. Those people who are looking at this blog, please, treasure your beloved one[s], do not regret when you have lost them. Sunday, May 22, 2005 I'm getting more lonely and more lonely... It seems that everyone is leaving me... Saturday, May 21, 2005